Tuesday, January 5, 2010

And The Journey Continues

The catalyst for this blog (or rather its precursor "http://fillmorekyrg.blogspot.com/") was the start of the journey to adopt our daughter in Asia. I will not get into much detail about that part of our family's story here, but if you are interested in the history, I encourage you to read the previous blog; it is a part of my life that is very dear to me and, at times, is very raw and difficult to read, but it has made me into the woman and mother I am today and for that I would not give up a single part of it. All that being said, today, our journey begins anew.

We are finally able to start the process to bring our daughter home- from China.

According to Chinese adoption laws, the youngest child in your house must be at least 12 months of age before you can begin the adoption process for their country. That happy day is today. We have much to celebrate today; the anniversary of the birth of our beautiful, healthy sons and the day we can finally officially begin the process to bring their little sister home.

January 6th will forever be a very special date for our family.

We are expecting the entire process to take about three years from today. Sydney will be seven. Brock and Braden will be four. And we are hoping their little sister will be between two and three years old.

We have waited a long time for this day to come. Sometimes it seems as though I have waited over half my life. The road to Kyrgyzstan was an interesting side road along the way and I found some lifetime friends on that path. I would not give up that detour for anything. It was worth its weight in gold to me. You know who you are. While on that path, I felt for sure it was where I was supposed to be. It just felt right. And the day I found out we were pregnant, that felt right, too. I heard God's voice clearly calling us to add two more children to our family at that time. Without one doubt that is what I heard. It was His voice. No doubt. I knew we could adopt and have the baby.

The day I found out there were two babies...was the most bittersweet moment of my life.

I knew it meant letting go of the child of my heart. The one I had dreamed of for so long. So many years. So many dreams. Just when she was within my reach...I had to let her go. I had to let her go. It was like when I lost Jonathan all over again, only this time, I couldn't tell anyone because God had given me two healthy babies to care for and to love. I didn't know how to grieve the loss of the child of my heart, while growing to love the babies in my womb. Boy was I mixed up! Put with that a double helping of pregnancy hormone...man, I don't know how anyone could stand to be near me! Luckily, I was throwing up between 7 and 10 times a day, so not many were! The first time I remember actually smiling and being happy about the babies was around week 13, or so. I felt immense relief when I heard two healthy heartbeats, but actual happiness, came later I think. Remembering these thoughts now, when I have known my sweet Brock and Braden for a year, makes me feel incredible guilt that I ever felt anything like this at all. But these are my true, real feelings. And if I have learned anything from my dear friend in the last five weeks, if you're ever going to free yourself from the pain and the guilt, you have to own up to it. That takes away hold or power the devil may have over you. And I don't want him to ever have any weapons against me again. He has had enough of those in the past. God has made me a new creature, a strong one who fights against the evil one. And I will not back down again.

So our journey begins anew. When our name is at the top of the waiting list...her name will be at the top of the waiting list. And she will finally come home. Home. To her mother's waiting arms at last. We're coming, baby, we're coming.

4 comments:

Amy, Jeff, & Ashton said...

that is awesome and way to go!!! can't wait to follow along!

Lori said...

You know how much I'm loving this for you dear friend!!! So honored to be with you along the way!!!
LOVE!!!

Rachel said...

Amazing! So happy for you all!

Beckett Gray said...

I just found your blog and thanks for sharing.

Congrats! We adopted from China in 2001. It has been a wonderful experience.

My non-profit recently published a new book on Chinese adoptive parenting.

“The Dragon Sisterhood: A Guide to Chinese Adoptive Parenting” .

It can be found on our blog:http://www.dragonsisterhood.blogspot.com

I’m wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing that with your readers.

Thanks!Beckett Gray