The War

I have been embroiled in a fierce war for the last seven months give or take- with my oven. And so far it is winning. We have had a brief detente at times, but just when I least expect it, or when it matters most, it strikes a most devastating and swift blow.

Case in point, Christmas eve- I prepared my breakfast delicacy long after every else was asleep to rise overnight in preparation for the oven in the morning. Christmas morning arrives, everyone awakes, I place the dish in the oven and three minutes later everyone rushes to the kitchen to see what is on fire. I have tried to display a picture below for documentation purposes, however, blogger is not working at the moment so I will try later, so check back for the photo evidence.

This is not some rinky dink broke down old oven. This is a brand new top of the line Viking range. It has two separate ovens, one big and one small, for cooking foods at different temperatures. It has four gas burners on the top and a built-in grill (which I don't really like because it's kinda smoky when you use it even with the ventilation system). This thing cost way more than my first two cars PUT TOGETHER! I did not pick out this oven. It came with the house when we bought it. I would not have picked out this oven. I like the ones that go in the wall because the babies cannot reach them and I think they are safer. Apparently they are also better. This one sucks.

The service people that are specially trained by the "Viking" people have been out SIX times. SIX times. And it is still not fixed. It burns everything that goes in it. Within minutes. At first they blamed it on the factory not calibrating it to the correct altitude we are at and that's why it was burning stuff. Then they replaced the thermostat on it. Next they "rigged" it so it didn't get as hot so quickly. They told me they had tried everything they could think of to make it work. Then they hired someone new two weeks ago and sent him to try to fix it. He came last week and said it needed a new computer board or some such nonsense. So he came today and finally replaced that. Maybe it's fixed this time. I am honestly scared to try anything more time consuming than slice and bake cookies because I don't want to waste anymore of my time making something that will just burn in three minutes anyway.

If this doesn't fix it, I am done. Just done. They are going to replace it with a new oven. From a different company. I don't want another product from their company ever again. And they better not give me any guff about it either. I have been way beyond patient. And if it takes a long time, they are reimbursing me for my restaurant costs. I have to be able to feed my family! Enough is enough. This is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention my need to bake. It is how I deal with stress and cope with loss. Losing Matthew six weeks ago was very traumatic and I have not been able to process it the way I needed to through baking. It has not been good for my psyche. These are the rantings of a woman who desperately needs her oven at all times.

Let's Party!

We finally had the big party for the bubbas tonight. A little late due to the unscheduled appearance of a tummy bug for Braden. Boy, was he an unwelcome party guest. And he did not bring a nice present. I sure wish we could have returned that one. At least, he only brought one for Braden, and not Brock.

We had to move their party from Friday night to Sunday night because the poor little guy was just not up for eating much more than "O's" and certainly not has first taste of cake (pictures to follow.) One cool thing to report from this first encounter with a tummy bug- he said his first complete sentence.

On Thursday night, Braden had a yucky diaper and I changed it a little too quickly. Because he had another one about a minute later. As I prepared him to change that one, he looked up at me in distress and proceeded to spew like a fountain from his mouth as he was laying down on the changing table. He had it in his ears, his hair, his head was lying in a pool of it. Poor little guy. I hadn't let him eat or drink anything other than pedialyte all day until about thirty minutes prior when I finally gave in to his pathetic begging and allowed him to have some "O's" and a few pieces of his siblings' banana. And about three ounces of milk. Big mistake. And just for good measure-he had some more for his diaper at the same time. My hand was on his tummy during this incident and I could just feel the little war going on inside. Poor baby. Immediately, big sister Sydney and I jumped into action (Tony was in surgery, of course.) She ran for the boys' room to get pajamas, towel, and bathwash. I cleaned off the yuck diaper and as much of the vomit as was possible and then held him at arms length as I carried him to the sink in the kitchen. I used the sprayer to hose him off as best I could and then Sydney was back with reinforcements. She even brought her favorite Boots the Monkey bath toy to entertain him. She's so thoughtful. I carefully and gently got the banana chunks and O's out of his hair and ears and then washed him down. I got him rinsed and dried quick as I could and into his diaper and jammies. Then I offered him his cup of pedialyte thinking he might want to rinse that awful taste from his mouth and he just looked up and me and said, "All done, Mama." My poor, poor little baby boy. He was just done. Sweet little guy.

Tonight they were all better and ready to celebrate their first birthday. We had our closest friends over for a little cake and singing. They loved their balloons. They liked their presents. But they really loved their cake.

Brock's First Bite of Cake (Icing)

Braden Digging In With Gusto

The Boys Having A Big Time With Cake

Someone Took My Cake Away! NOOOOO!!!

Can You Believe It? How Dare They? Don't They Know It's Our Birthday?

We're Still in Shock and We're Not Gonna Smile

Now It's Bathtime

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

And The Journey Continues

The catalyst for this blog (or rather its precursor "http://fillmorekyrg.blogspot.com/") was the start of the journey to adopt our daughter in Asia. I will not get into much detail about that part of our family's story here, but if you are interested in the history, I encourage you to read the previous blog; it is a part of my life that is very dear to me and, at times, is very raw and difficult to read, but it has made me into the woman and mother I am today and for that I would not give up a single part of it. All that being said, today, our journey begins anew.

We are finally able to start the process to bring our daughter home- from China.

According to Chinese adoption laws, the youngest child in your house must be at least 12 months of age before you can begin the adoption process for their country. That happy day is today. We have much to celebrate today; the anniversary of the birth of our beautiful, healthy sons and the day we can finally officially begin the process to bring their little sister home.

January 6th will forever be a very special date for our family.

We are expecting the entire process to take about three years from today. Sydney will be seven. Brock and Braden will be four. And we are hoping their little sister will be between two and three years old.

We have waited a long time for this day to come. Sometimes it seems as though I have waited over half my life. The road to Kyrgyzstan was an interesting side road along the way and I found some lifetime friends on that path. I would not give up that detour for anything. It was worth its weight in gold to me. You know who you are. While on that path, I felt for sure it was where I was supposed to be. It just felt right. And the day I found out we were pregnant, that felt right, too. I heard God's voice clearly calling us to add two more children to our family at that time. Without one doubt that is what I heard. It was His voice. No doubt. I knew we could adopt and have the baby.

The day I found out there were two babies...was the most bittersweet moment of my life.

I knew it meant letting go of the child of my heart. The one I had dreamed of for so long. So many years. So many dreams. Just when she was within my reach...I had to let her go. I had to let her go. It was like when I lost Jonathan all over again, only this time, I couldn't tell anyone because God had given me two healthy babies to care for and to love. I didn't know how to grieve the loss of the child of my heart, while growing to love the babies in my womb. Boy was I mixed up! Put with that a double helping of pregnancy hormone...man, I don't know how anyone could stand to be near me! Luckily, I was throwing up between 7 and 10 times a day, so not many were! The first time I remember actually smiling and being happy about the babies was around week 13, or so. I felt immense relief when I heard two healthy heartbeats, but actual happiness, came later I think. Remembering these thoughts now, when I have known my sweet Brock and Braden for a year, makes me feel incredible guilt that I ever felt anything like this at all. But these are my true, real feelings. And if I have learned anything from my dear friend in the last five weeks, if you're ever going to free yourself from the pain and the guilt, you have to own up to it. That takes away hold or power the devil may have over you. And I don't want him to ever have any weapons against me again. He has had enough of those in the past. God has made me a new creature, a strong one who fights against the evil one. And I will not back down again.

So our journey begins anew. When our name is at the top of the waiting list...her name will be at the top of the waiting list. And she will finally come home. Home. To her mother's waiting arms at last. We're coming, baby, we're coming.

A Year With Twins

The last twelve months have been a very interesting window into a part of human life that many do not ever get invited to be a part of: the world of twins. Being the mother of two babies at the same time is an experience that no one, other than another mother of twins, could possibly understand.

In the beginning, when you find out there are two people growing inside your body, you are filled both with awe and fear. Awe that you could be chosen to have this remarkable gift of two children bestowed upon you at the same time. Wonder at the mysticism of the world you are about to join.

And all consuming fear. Fear that you alone are responsible for the protecting the two lives that are growing inside you. Fear that you surely are not the right person for this honor, surely a mistake was made somewhere. Knowing what it was like carrying for one infant and being absolutely terrified that there is no way you could possibly handle two at the same time. Fearing that maybe, just maybe, God made a mistake.

And then the sickness sets in. You can't even handle the one child you already have and you wonder how on earth you could possibly handle two more.

Then you hear them. Two heartbeats. At the same time. And just for a moment, everything stops. Nobody moves, nobody speaks, nobody breaths. It is just you, and Them. For the very first time. And you think, maybe, just maybe, this is. I can do this. These are my babies. My babies. I have two babies. And they have two heartbeats. Surely this is from God.

Then one day like magic, the sickness turns off like a faucet. The sun comes out again. I start to feel them move inside me. Not like their sister did, in little flutters. More like, a set of choreographed movements within me. One will move left, the other will move right. They are already wrestling each other inside me, much like Jacob did with Esau.

Finally, we got to see their blurry little faces. What would they look like? Were they beautiful little girls or handsome little boys? I really didn't even want to know anything this day beyond the words: they are both healthy. And they were. So perfect. Absolutely perfect. What joy filled my heart this day. As tears of joy streamed down my cheeks, tears of despair poured from their sister. She wanted sisters. Not "brudders." I had to let her grandmothers handle that one for me because I was no help once I learned of their health. I was an absolute blubbering mess. I was too busy praising my Father for the gift of two perfect healthy sons.

Not long after this joyous (for some) day, we learned it would be best for me and the boys for me to be on "modified" bed rest. What this actually means for a mother of a three year old is still up for debate. But thanks to good friends, a great husband, and an extraordinary housekeeper, it was made completely doable. And I'd do it all again in a second if it meant giving my sons a chance to stay in my womb and grow longer. As it turned out, we needed every single day of that bed rest. We made weekly, sometimes twice weekly, trips to L&D over the next two months to stop labor and by the grace of God our sons were able to grow an extra seven weeks. Praise be to God. I will never stop praising Him for that priceless gift.

We made to week 34 and on January 6 at 9:11 pm both Braden and Brock made their entrance into the world. We had a bit of a rough beginning, but after 18 days in the NICU, we finally brought them home.

Things were tough those first couple of weeks at home. No sleep. Feeding, pumping, burping, diapering, bathing, putting to sleep, soothing, all times two. It was hard. We had some wonderful help. It was still hard. We had to sleep in shifts. Tony and I did not sleep in the same bed until the twins were four months old. It was just too complicated. One of us had to keep the babies, while the other one tried to "catch up" on sleep missed from the night before. And if Tony was on call...forget it.

We were really just in survival mode until one day something just didn't seem right. Something was wrong. And I mean very wrong. With Braden. His coloring was off. And it was getting worse. He had been home for two and half weeks, so we were just getting to know him, but something wasn't right. And if it weren't for having his brother right next to him to compare him to, we might have missed it. Who knows? Lesson one for parents of twins- you will compare them to each other and sometimes it's absolutely necessary. Braden had hemolytic anemia. He was admitted to the hospital where he received a blood transfusion at 2:00 in the morning. That was the number one most terrifying moment of my life to date. I did not ever want to go through anything like that ever again.

One week later. Brock was admitted to the hospital for a blood transfusion to treat hemolytic anemia. Lesson two for parents of twins- when one gets sick, the other will almost always get it. Not that this was contagious or anything, just a good lesson for parents of twins to learn regardless.

Since then, the drama has been dialed down considerably- thank you to God. Normal lumps, bumps, fevers, ears, etc. Teeth have been a pain, but getting better. We are learning how to corral them a little better now that they are crawling. But they do seem to encourage each other's escapes and escapades. Braden will see Brock take off down the hall or vice versa and will promptly take pursuit. They really are starting to be quite fun. I will try to post some video if I can ever figure out how.

Their first birthday is on Wednesday and I just cannot believe a year has already gone by when it seems like only yesterday there were times I would count minutes. Thank you, Father, for the most precious gift of my sons. I cherish them. Both of them.

Spoke Too Soon

We are headed to Grandma's house tomorrow and Brock is not the best traveler. We have had to find a pediatrician to see him on July 4th in Colorado, on a Sunday in Dallas, and on Thanksgiving in Oklahoma City. I wanted to avoid that this trip so I took him to our pediatrician's partner today since she was having office hours. I really only suspected that he might have an ear infection, so I wanted to rule it out, or get him on the antibiotic if he had one. Well, he not only had one, but two and he also had strep. And so did his brother whom I didn't even suspect was sick. The only reason he was even there was because Tony was operating and couldn't stay at home with him. Normally we avoid taking more than one child to the doctor at all costs, so we don't expose any of the others to the germs in the office. Today it was unavoidable. And, as it turns out, a very good thing he was there. They both got a shot of Rocephin and one of Bicillin which are both very thick, painful injections. Poor, little guys. I am going to take Brock to see our pediatrician tomorrow morning and see what he about his ears. I had tubes as a child and I think Brock probably needs them, as well. I think Braden should be fine because this is only his third minor ear infection and it is Brock's seventh major one in three months. Tony asked me if I was okay with my baby going in for thinks surgery, and I am absolutely am. If it will help my baby not feel miserable, I am willing to allow him to go into an operating room without me. It will be difficult, but I can do it. I think.

Babies' First Christmas!

After an extended hiatus... I am back!

Brock and Braden and big sister Sydney have been keeping me very, very busy since I last posted during our headlong dive into sick season. Which was not influenza A, by the way, but a very nasty run-in with the dreaded swine flu. We survived without a visit to the hospital, but Brock got pretty close with fevers over 105 for six days straight and borderline dehydration. We have been relatively well since then, only minor stuff, ear infections, colds, viruses, etc.

Brock and Braden both started crawling around Thanksgiving. Braden has perfect technique and Brock, well, he doesn't. He CAN crawl, he chooses not to. He prefers to army crawl using his left arm to propel himself across the floor. Have I mentioned he is left-handed? He started sucking his left thumb about a week after Braden started sucking his right thumb around five months old. They are both starting to pull up to their knees now, so I know that cruising the furniture will not be long now. We have not had much trouble with stranger anxiety until this week. Most of the time they are simply happy to have someone hold them, not really caring who it is as long as they are not left behind while the brother gets picked up. They are extremely jealous of each other. They cannot, or will not, tolerate not being picked up first. Or fed first. Or given a toy first. Or whatever. They do not get that we will get them next. Right away. Immediately. When do they learn that? Ahhhhh! The worst is when I am getting them in the car and I have to pick one to put in first. I have to listen to the other one scream until I get the first one in the car before I can come back in and get him. I had no idea this whole other world of twins existed before I had twins. I knew they were out there and all, but I just never considered all the nuances involved with having twins.

This time last year I was on bed-rest, making twice weekly trips to L&D to stop labor, just praying to make it to 34 weeks. I never would have guessed I would only make it another two weeks after Christmas before the boys made their debut. I was so grateful that they made it to 34 weeks, but so scared that they were still so very early. After a few weeks in the NICU, and a long winter at home, they really started taking off and now they are actually bigger than their sister was at this age. When they were born six weeks early I felt so much guilt about not being able to carry them inside me any longer and protect them and keep them safe like I was supposed to. I felt like I had failed at my most important job. I couldn't even imagine ever being glad they were born when they were because of the guilt I felt. Boy was I wrong! This Christmas was so much better than it would have been if they were full term babies because they would have been only ten months old and not doing all the cool stuff they're doing now. They can clap and dance and laugh and play. They know how toys work and get excited when they see new ones. They steal toys from each other and make the other one cry. They can play peek-a-boo with each other and you hear them belly-laughing from the other room. They eat suckers and pull hair. They are way done with baby food and scream at you if you don't put food in front of them faster than they can eat it. And with two of them, this can be quite a challenge, let me tell you! I think I have actually lost about three pounds in the last two weeks (during Christmas, no less!) because they are eating more of my food than I am. They love the Christmas tree and the singing stuffed toys from Hallmark. They are on the fence about Santa this year, but I think they both lean towards liking him. They didn't care much for unwrapping their gifts, which was fine, since Sydney was more than willing to step in for them on that one. They don't really like snow because it is cold and wet. And they will both eat any Christmas treat that comes their way.

Sick Season Begins With a Vengeance

If any of you out there were wondering if you should get a flu shot yet, the answer is a resounding "yes." Brock has the worst case of Influenza A I have ever seen. I am not sure if Sydney has ever even had this, but there will be no chance I will forget that poor little Brock had it. Ever. His fever has been as high as 104.1 since Sunday. Not continually, thank God, but on and off since Sunday it has been that high. We are keeping him on a very strict regimen of Motrin and Tylenol every three hours around the clock and it seems to help a little. I don't want to think how high it would be without it. He also has his very first ear infection and it's a NASTY one. He just fingers his ear and swipes at it constantly while giving this pathetic little moan and wail. He is just pathetic. He has slept in bed with me the last three nights and that has seemed to help him some. In almost four years of having kids, this is the first time we have ever had a child sleep in bed with us. Thankfully, they have never been this sick before. Braden has it, too, I think, but no where near as bad as Brock. He didn't test positive for it, but I have been treating him like he has it, too.

The reason Brock has it so bad, I think, is because last week he had hand, foot, and mouth disease. Just a light case to be sure, but his immune system was already compromised from that so it didn't take much to knock him down completely. He seems to be getting better, but we will keep him in for the next four to five days just to make sure.

Tony is going to his 20 year high school reunion this weekend, so if anyone wants to come help me with three children- be my guest. I am simply dreading being stuck in the house for two full days without any other human contact or any hope of any since we have the "sickness." Anyone get their flu shot yet?