Fillmore Family

Is Anyone Still Out There?

2010-12-06T06:09:00.000-08:00

My deepest apologies to all my loyal blog readers for not keeping you all updated on the Fillmore family's latest adventures. I am a terrible blogger. I have no excuses.

Perhaps I shall regale you with the highlights from the last week, or month.

Brock has a heart murmur and had an echocardiogram last week to check it out. We got the report on Saturday that it is a "normal" murmur and he will have it all his life. I was so stressed out about this. Thank goodness it is fine. What a relief.

Sydney is taking ballet again this semester and we are actually going this time. She is really enjoying it and doing quite well. We have a recital sometime in June that we have to purchase a costume for this week. I didn't realize this was how things were done. I am new to all of this. I don't think we (her best friend is in the same class) are among the teacher's pets, but we have a good time.

Braden microwaved my iphone in November. Yes. Microwaved it. Just in case you ever wondered, iphones are not microwave safe. It was in there less than two seconds, but it was totally fried. There is no coming back from the microwave. Insurance does not cover microwaving. Now I have no record of any of my appointments, none of my contacts, no email, no weather, no iphone. My plan doesn't renew until Dec. 24 at the earliest (really Jan. 24) and I am not paying full price for an iphone. Tony says someday I will be able to laugh at this story, but I just can't see the humor quite yet.

Be Careful Little Ears What You...

2010-06-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Things at the Fillmore house have been crazy busy this last month.

We made a long over due trip to Dallas to visit Nanny and Papa. Had a great time. We got to see our big cousin, Alex, win his all star baseball tournament. Way to go, Alex! Got a cool new coupe to keep at our nanny's house and some new little people toys for when we spend a week there later this month. We even got to visit some friends that we don't get to see very often since they moved a couple years ago. It was a pretty great trip. We are super excited to go again for Camp Nanny and Papa when it starts on June 23. We will go to Six Flags (Sydney only) on the 24th for the very first time with our big cousins and we even bought some "magic shoes" to help give her the extra boost she needs to make it to 42" in order to ride on the one or two rides she might not make. She is beyond excited.

Camp Nanny and Papa will be extra special for mom and dad this year because we will be in sunny (read rainy) COSTA RICA! For a fabulous extended child free vaca. My parents have happily and graciously volunteered to keep the kiddos for eight fun filled days, and nights :), so we can have some much needed alone time. Thanks again you two! We love ya!

And boy do we need it after the month we have had. Braden and Brock have both had back to back ear infections and Braden had a ruptured eardrum, too. Not to mention the strep and scarlet fever and countless shots and oral antibiotics, ear drops, etc.

I took them back to the doctor on Tuesday because Braden was up all night screaming. Sure enough, another ear infection. Another shot. I just didn't feel comfortable with the course of treatment laid out by the pediatrician. SO I got a second opinion from an ENT on Wednesday. He took one look at Braden's ears and said, "this boy needs tubes." but in a lot more doctor talk than that. Complete with charts and stuff. He asked me how many ear infections he had had and I told him seven or eight that we know of, but that his brother had had way more and he said let's look at brother. After examining Brock, he said, "Brock is worse than Braden."

SO...Sydney had sleepover at her best friend Caroline's house last night and the boys' and I showed up for surgery this morning bright and early. Tony surprised us and rescheduled some things and was able to go with us. Which was super great. We got the VIP treatment from the moment we walked in the door. Tony even got to walk them back into the OR and hold them when the anesthesiologist put them under. Braden cried three times and he was out.

Brock did the cutest thing. He and Braden both like to zurburt when you come near them with a medicine they don't want in their mouths. He did this to the anesthesiologist when he came near him with the mask! Everyone in the OR just started laughing (not the anesthesiologist.)

I was able to be in the recovery room when they each woke up which was great. And when that stuff wears off, they wake up fast! Braden woke up great. Took his bottle right away (they weren't allowed to eat so they were starving by this time) and was his usual smiley self.

Brock, well, Brock didn't wake as well as Braden. He totally freaked out. You could tell his ears were really bothering him and he didn't understand. He wouldn't even accept his bottle or his beloved night night for about 10 minutes until he finally calmed down. Boy was I glad Tony was there at this point. They are both total Daddy boys.

We got home and Braden ate breakfast and watched Handy Manny. And then he took a nice long nap.

Brock just screamed. And screamed. And screamed. He was having none of nothing. Finally I just laid him in his bed and he settled down in about two minutes. And I had to wake him up 2 and 1/2 hours later when we had to go pick up Sydney from Science Camp where she had been from 9-12 this week (she loves it!)

Sydney has also been to the swimming pool every day this week and she just started lessons yesterday. She is already jumping off the diving board into the 10' deep end and swimming with her instructor to the side. She is loving every minute of it and asks to go every day.

She also has two soccer games each weekend and she is getting more and more aggressive in her playing. Which is good because there was no aggression when she started. Her team is called the African Killer Bees and they are yellow and black. She has pink shin guards and pink cleats. She wanted everyone to know that. And she just got a pink water bottle, too. We have not yet taken a camera to the games, but I will try to remember to bring one tomorrow.

Last Man Standing

2010-04-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

Brock Stood First

Braden Wasn't Far Behind

They may be standing, but they sure aren't walking. Oh how I wish they were. I am so tired of watching them crawl. Everywhere. Their grubby little paws touching everything little dirty thing on God's green earth and the not so green parts, too.

And they just keep getting sick! Not really, really sick. Just sick enough where we can't leave the house for a few days and be around people. Or go to school, so I miss those very precious wonderful joyous days called MDO. And the kids like them, too. Honest.

I am so tired of them picking up the yucky germs from the ground when they are crawling. ARRGHHH! I clean their hands just as quickly as I can, but there are two of them, they're SO fast, AND they suck their thumbs. Let's be realistic, the odds are really against me. I think if they would just start walking, we would pick up a few less germs from the ground and maybe be in a little better shape. Maybe I'm just kidding myself- just wishful thinking. Sigh.

They do have a little interest in walking. Brock will take about four steps and then lunge for his nearest target, usually me. Braden normally just plops back down onto his seat if he thinks the goal is more than one or two steps away. They truly are just content to crawl. No one crawls to kindergarten, do they?

Who Stole the Cookie From the Cookie Jar?

2010-04-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

Braden Stole the Cookie From the Cookie Jar!

This is a daily occurrence at our house. When the boys wake from their afternoon nap, they let themselves into the pantry and pull up to the animal crackers. They pound on the container shouting, "Cra-cka, cracka!" until one of us lets them into the tub and then its a free for all. On this particular day, Sydney was in charge and things got a little carried away.

The Great Pre-K Search

2010-04-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

After visiting nine schools and researching pre kindergarten curriculums for over a month, I have finally found the very best place for Miss Sydney to receive her pre kindergarten education next year. It has been an arduous journey; one I do not wish to repeat. Ever. Thankfully, the information I uncovered during my research should hold true when B and B are in Pre K in a few years and I won't have to.

The school Sydney has been atttending for the last three years has been terrific. I have no complaints about their teachers, curriculum, facilities. Nothing at all. It has been, and continues to be, a fantastic school.

But. It is only two days a week and for Pre K, I simply wanted more days. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted a five day program or a three day program. Then I tried coming up with a hybrid four day program where she could stay at this school for two days and I would "homeschool" her for two days.

But I know me. And I know Sydney. And I know, THAT probably wouldn't work. It might...but I just don't know. We get distracted too easily. With some little people named Brock and Braden. Or cooking. Or shopping. Or cleaning. Or organizing. Or playing. Or whatever.

We applied to our school district's magnet program Pre K that is filled using a lottery system. We didn't get "picked." Which was probably a good thing because I kept doing research and looking for the best place to send her and I probably wouldn't have if she had gotten in. The magnet school was five days a week from 8-3 and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

Now I'm sure I'm not and I'm sure she's not. And she doesn't need it. I have gotten to talk with several Kindergarten and Pre Kindergarten teachers at these various schools and they have all given me wonderful tidbits of advice.

Don't start her too soon-she'll be in school all day soon enough. Let her have one more year of a couple days while you can.

Keep her in a Pre K program where she can be a leader in her class instead of placing her in a private Kindergarten a year early where she will always feel frustrated that she is behind the other children. That will undermine her self-confidence unnecessarily.

Developmentally they are not ready to sit and "learn" yet. They still need to learn through play much more.

We want to foster her love for learning- not squash it with too much too soon.

I have been so worried about her being behind when she gets to first grade (more about that in a later post), I have been missing the here and now. Thank goodness I have someOne who knows just what I need and how to give it to me just when I need it most to save me (and my kids) from myself.

"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.

That's why it is called the present."

Thank You, Father.

The Problem

2010-03-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

About six weeks ago, I had a medical problem arise (details omitted out of embarrassment) that would not fix itself and I could not do what was necessary to give it time to heal because I was sick from my intestines all the time. And I mean ALL the time. I could not eat ANYTHING. It got to the point that I was afraid to eat. PERIOD. My BFF and I devised a plan that omitted gluten from my diet and decided to implement it immediately.

And it worked. Right away.

I went from being sick 8-10 times a day to 0. After almost three weeks of this new "diet," I went to the gi doc and he ran some tests. He told me he was pretty sure I had celiac sprue, but also thought the test would come back negative for it since I had not eaten gluten in three weeks.

He was right; it did. So he put me back on a gluten diet. Uhhhhh. That has been just miserable. Living G-free for a month and then being told you have to go back on it? No, thanks. It just seems stupid to purposely make yourself sick just to have a test come back positive. He repeated the blood tests today to see if maybe I have eaten enough for it to come back positive, so we'll see.

I get to have a super-duper fun EGD and colonoscopy next Tuesday to make sure there's not something else that we're missing. Can't wait for that one!

Lessons In Life

2010-03-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

We took a trip to Santa Fe the second week of February for a family ski trip- and Miss Sydney LOVED it! She thought it was the best thing ever! She kept asking if we could go back again tomorrow. She skied two days in the ski school with a private instructor and just got better and better. If I ever figure out how to post video on here, I will upload some of the video of her first time skiing. She is just about the cutest thing ever.

The boys went to the childcare on the mountain called Chipmunk Corner and had a marvelous time. They had some of their favorite toys and they could watch Sydney through the window whenever they wanted. Tony and I got to ski while they were well taken care of on the mountain. I took a lesson which went quite well, until I got really tired and stopped being able to turn my legs. I am really out of shape. I think this was the start of a beautiful family tradition of yearly family ski trips. I just am not sure mommy has to participate in the ski part of the trip. There are a number of lovely day spas and shopping around all of these ski towns...

The day after we got back I had my tummy tuck. It went quite well and I am now on week four of restrictive duty regarding any lifting and I am about to go crazy. I cannot pick up the boys. Period. If I do, I risk a hernia and another surgery to repair said hernia and I go back to square one on the six weeks of restrictive duty. I am about to go out of my mind. I feel completely handcuffed. Tony has been traveling a lot lately and I have been relying heavily on my BFF, Jen, and the nannies, to help me out. And she totally has. I could not have made it through this without her. My mom flew out this weekend to help me which was great, but she flew back thinking Tony was flying the opposite way, but his plane is still in Dallas as I write this (maintenance, way to go AA!) and he will not be home until at least seven hours after he was supposed to be home. No big deal, right? but this is his sixth trip in the last month and we still have one more next weekend. I am so ready for him to be home. I do not know how people do it when one spouse travels for their job. I am so thankful mine does not. I will be so glad when his last trip is over in April. And my restrictive duty should be lifted by then as well. I am glad I had my surgery, but in hindsight, the timing probably could have been coordinated a little better with Tony's travel schedule right now. Oh well.

Oh. And I got diagnosed with Celiac disease during this time, as well. So add to all of this a brand new gluten free diet. More about all of that in my next post.

2010-02-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

I have sat in front of the computer to begin this post at least three dozen times in the last year. And each time, I have been unable to do it.

Even now as I sit at the computer, I wrote last night's post first and then attempted to begin this one yet again because it was so much easier to write about the crazy lady at Walmart than the one I need to write. The one that is always on my heart and in my throat.

But I need to get this one out. It is literally eating me alive inside. Sometimes so much so to the point that it paralyzes me at night when I am lying in bed.

I guess the quickest way to show you all where I'm at is to tell you what happened at the Discovery Center on Saturday.

I took the kids there to play in Tiny Town and it was fairly empty, really nice and quiet. We were having a great time and Sydney was playing with another little girl and I started chatting with her mom about hair products for the girls' curly hair. Really pleasant conversation. Then she asked me if we had just the three children, and I immediately replied, yes just the three. But, then something inside my just snapped or broke or gave way or something.

And I said, very quietly, no. That's not true. We have four. We just lost one of them.

And then I totally and completely just lost it. Right there in the middle of Tiny Town. Right in front of a complete stranger. She said she was sorry. We tried to pretend like I hadn't just lost it and she left soon thereafter.

Well, that's it. In a nutshell. I have four children. I have four children. But I only have three of them. And I am not okay with it.

I am happy and grateful and love each and every one of them dearly. I love Sydney. I love Jonathan. I love Brock. I love Braden.

But it seems like no one remembers Jonathan. I do. Oh, how I do.

God gave me a gift before Jonathan died that I treasure and cherish. He allowed me to meet Jonathan in a dream the night before I lost him. Some of you may remember the dream, some may not, I will retell it here anyway because it does my heart good to recount it every chance I get.

My husband and I were in an orphanage looking at the children. Across the room I saw a little boy I knew immediately to be our son. We went over to him and saw that he had three arms. I remember thinking to myself, it's a good thing I am learning how to sew so I can make clothes for him. I was so pleased I could meet my son's needs! I asked him how old he was and he held up seven fingers on two of his hands. We smiled at each other and God blessed me with experiencing the love of my son. I delighted in his presence. Then he held up his other hand and waved to me saying, "Goodbye, Mommy." My eyes filled with tears and I woke up. Tears were streaming down my face and I quickly awoke Tony to share this dream with him.

It was just minutes later that I began to miscarry.

And I still do treasure that dream, even now. But it has begun to be a bit of a double edged sword now. The very part of it that comforted me for so long- the smile, the wave, and the bye mommy- Jonathan's brothers have started to do that very thing two dozen times a day. And I see Jonathan's face and I hear his voice each and every time. And it hurts so very much. And I know, and hope, that one day this could be a good thing, a comforting thing, but right now, it is just painful because it is all I have had of Jonathan. And I have been clinging to it like a lifeline to him because he is my son and I don't want to let go of him. I can't. I have so many wonderful things to share with Brock and Braden and Sydney. So many, many wonderful things that I love to cherish and treasure about them. When I see them wave to me and say bye-bye mama, of course I love it, but it hurts because it brings back the only memory I have of Jonathan. The one that I have comforted my heart and soul with in the dark of night. And that I'll never have anything more than that with him this side of Heaven.

Tony said, maybe it's God's way of showing me Jonathan through his brothers. I think he's probably right, but it still hurts so very much. Because there is only one thing I really want.

I want another dream.

More than anything else in the whole wide world. I want another dream with Jonathan. Just one more dream. I lay in bed at night with a softball in my throat begging God, pleading with Him to grant me just one more minute, no five more minutes with my son. Please. Please. PLEASE. Just five more minutes. PLEASE I need to see him just one more time. I need to see his face-hear his voice. Just linger in his presence. It was magnificent. Just magnificent.

Does Walmart Really Need Door Greeters?

2010-02-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

Had a little run-in with the door "greeter" at the Walmart today.

It did not end well for her.

When you have three children under the age of four, going to any store solo is always a monumental task. Today was no exception. A few stores, Walmart, Target, Sams, make it a little easier with a limited number of kid-friendly carts that allow an industrious and brave shopper with multiple children to place all of them in the same cart with seat belts instead of simply piling them all in the basket of the cart willy-nilly and hoping for the best.

Now when I say limited number, I mean limited number. Today was an exception. There happened to be an abundance of said carts in the cart line today much to my delight.

There was already one happy shopper piling her children into the first cart, so I carried my double-arm load of children (yes, I carry them both) to the second waiting cart. After much strap adjusting and balancing of children, we are finally ready to set off on our third banana run of the week (sixteen bananas since Thursday!!!). We began to pull out around the infant seat cart parked directly in front of us-when it started.

"Excuse me. You'll have to take this cart in the front of the line.

What?

There is now a new cart in the front of the line and you'll have to take it.

Ummmmmm. I don't think so.

Yes. You have to. Because it is the one in front and you can't take one in the back."

Okay, is this lady seriously deluded? She must be. I know she just watched me balance two screaming, squirming one- year old toddlers between both knees and arms and hands as I deftly buckled them in and adjusted the straps for the five minutes prior to her "proclamation" that I "must" move my children to the cart in the front because she, "the door greeter," said I had to? She had to be out of her mind! I was not about to take any guff from someone, who by the very definition of her job title, was supposed to greet me when I came to her place of work to spend obscene amounts of money (just ask my husband, he'll back that up).

"There is no way I am taking my children out of this cart and moving them to that cart. If you want me to change carts, you are going to have to move them yourself.

We're going to get a manager over here."

And with that, I simply drove around the other carts and her and went on about my shopping trip thinking, this is ridiculous. And I left it at that.

The "Door Nazi" had other ideas.

By the time I made it to my first stop, the cereal aisle, she had caught up with me. She stalked me through the Walmart. OVER A CART! She proceeded to tell me exactly why she was enforcing her ridiculous "rules" and why she wanted to make an example of me. I told her, look I am sorry for your problem, but I have two babies who need naps, one of which whose head you are squishing by getting in my face (she totally was and she didn't even notice that he was screaming-she did apologize) and I don't have time to be your example today because I just need to get a few things and put my babies down for their naps.

During this little exchange a department manager noticed the heated discussion and called a store manager over and then I had to explain to her what went down between me and the door "greeter." The greeter had already left by the time the manager arrived so I got to explain everything. She assured me that I could feel free to take any cart I liked and she would have a "talk" with said greeter. Poor Brock and Braden were so done by the time we left Walmart they were in complete meltdown mode.

I was afraid to go back through the exit because I didn't want to run into the door nazi again. Luckily, we passed through without incident because she wasn't anywhere to be seen. Now I am nervous about the next time we go to Walmart. Man, if only our Target had groceries...

Pictures At One

2010-01-19T16:36:00.000-08:00

Sydney at age one

Daddy at age one

Mommy at age one

Daddy at age one

And last, but not least,

Braden and Brock at one!

Can you guess which is which?

I'll put the answer in the comment section...

Did you guess right? Even we couldn't tell them apart when we were looking at the photos after the shoot today! We are starting to think they are identical more and more every day!

Until She's Home

2010-01-17T14:43:00.000-08:00

Our application for adoption was accepted by our agency last week and we will turn our signed contracts in tomorrow. I am not sure what the next step(s) after that will be, most likely the home study. But, as we have done all of this before, I feel this will all be somewhat fast tracked similar to a review or a "freshening" of what we did before. Since we have added to more children to the family since the home study was done, I am sure some of it will need to be redone. The home our social worker "studied" is now a little different than it was two years ago.

Now that we have finally started the process, I am anxious to get the ball rolling. I know it is going to take a long time, but I feel the need to "do something." Even if only to get "it" going. I know how much paperwork there is. I know how long the road is. I am just ready to start the journey. My daughter, our daughter, is out there somewhere just waiting for us to come get her and bring her home. I lay awake at night just wondering where she is and who is holding her. Who is feeding her. Who is singing to her. Is anyone picking her up and cuddling her when she cries? These are the thoughts that keep me awake long past the time that I should be sleeping. I know I can't allow these thoughts free reign in my mind for the next three years because they will absolutely take over, but they are there just the same. I don't know why God placed this unquenchable desire in my heart or this undeniable knowledge that we have a daughter somewhere in another country that we have to bring home, but we do. And I cannot, will not, stop until she is here with her family at home where she belongs. And if I have sleepless nights along the way, then that is part of the journey for me. Until she's home.

The Line in the Sand

2010-01-13T18:50:00.000-08:00

The lovely dinner I labored over today died a quick death after a mere three minutes in my newly "fixed" oven. And so the war rages on. I texted my oven guy at home after this latest assault in my kitchen and told him about my line in the sand. He said he'd call his guy and they'd see what they could do. I'll tell them what they can do...

In other news, Brock has a new word, "No." Well, technically, it's no, no, no with a little giggle. Because he thinks it's really funny. This from the kid who will lay prostrate on the ground if you even come one decibel too close to a harsh sound with the word 'no.' He is so incredibly sensitive. But for whatever reason if you say no, no, no in a sing song voice he thinks it's just hilarious and will copy you immediately. I found this out when he discovered he could stand up in the back of the double stroller yesterday and I didn't want to scare him with the sharp 'no' so I used the sweet one and he thought it was too funny. I will try to video it in the near future and then try to figure out how to get a video on blogger again. I am so blogger illiterate it's not even funny. I tried to post those pictures from yesterday again today and still not working. And I really can post pictures when it is working. It's just not right to have things not working for someone who already has a tough time figuring things out in the first place. It's just plain mean.

The War

2010-01-12T16:04:00.000-08:00

I have been embroiled in a fierce war for the last seven months give or take- with my oven. And so far it is winning. We have had a brief detente at times, but just when I least expect it, or when it matters most, it strikes a most devastating and swift blow.

Case in point, Christmas eve- I prepared my breakfast delicacy long after every else was asleep to rise overnight in preparation for the oven in the morning. Christmas morning arrives, everyone awakes, I place the dish in the oven and three minutes later everyone rushes to the kitchen to see what is on fire. I have tried to display a picture below for documentation purposes, however, blogger is not working at the moment so I will try later, so check back for the photo evidence.

This is not some rinky dink broke down old oven. This is a brand new top of the line Viking range. It has two separate ovens, one big and one small, for cooking foods at different temperatures. It has four gas burners on the top and a built-in grill (which I don't really like because it's kinda smoky when you use it even with the ventilation system). This thing cost way more than my first two cars PUT TOGETHER! I did not pick out this oven. It came with the house when we bought it. I would not have picked out this oven. I like the ones that go in the wall because the babies cannot reach them and I think they are safer. Apparently they are also better. This one sucks.

The service people that are specially trained by the "Viking" people have been out SIX times. SIX times. And it is still not fixed. It burns everything that goes in it. Within minutes. At first they blamed it on the factory not calibrating it to the correct altitude we are at and that's why it was burning stuff. Then they replaced the thermostat on it. Next they "rigged" it so it didn't get as hot so quickly. They told me they had tried everything they could think of to make it work. Then they hired someone new two weeks ago and sent him to try to fix it. He came last week and said it needed a new computer board or some such nonsense. So he came today and finally replaced that. Maybe it's fixed this time. I am honestly scared to try anything more time consuming than slice and bake cookies because I don't want to waste anymore of my time making something that will just burn in three minutes anyway.

If this doesn't fix it, I am done. Just done. They are going to replace it with a new oven. From a different company. I don't want another product from their company ever again. And they better not give me any guff about it either. I have been way beyond patient. And if it takes a long time, they are reimbursing me for my restaurant costs. I have to be able to feed my family! Enough is enough. This is beyond ridiculous. Not to mention my need to bake. It is how I deal with stress and cope with loss. Losing Matthew six weeks ago was very traumatic and I have not been able to process it the way I needed to through baking. It has not been good for my psyche. These are the rantings of a woman who desperately needs her oven at all times.

Let's Party!

2010-01-10T18:01:00.001-08:00

We finally had the big party for the bubbas tonight. A little late due to the unscheduled appearance of a tummy bug for Braden. Boy, was he an unwelcome party guest. And he did not bring a nice present. I sure wish we could have returned that one. At least, he only brought one for Braden, and not Brock.

We had to move their party from Friday night to Sunday night because the poor little guy was just not up for eating much more than "O's" and certainly not has first taste of cake (pictures to follow.) One cool thing to report from this first encounter with a tummy bug- he said his first complete sentence.

On Thursday night, Braden had a yucky diaper and I changed it a little too quickly. Because he had another one about a minute later. As I prepared him to change that one, he looked up at me in distress and proceeded to spew like a fountain from his mouth as he was laying down on the changing table. He had it in his ears, his hair, his head was lying in a pool of it. Poor little guy. I hadn't let him eat or drink anything other than pedialyte all day until about thirty minutes prior when I finally gave in to his pathetic begging and allowed him to have some "O's" and a few pieces of his siblings' banana. And about three ounces of milk. Big mistake. And just for good measure-he had some more for his diaper at the same time. My hand was on his tummy during this incident and I could just feel the little war going on inside. Poor baby. Immediately, big sister Sydney and I jumped into action (Tony was in surgery, of course.) She ran for the boys' room to get pajamas, towel, and bathwash. I cleaned off the yuck diaper and as much of the vomit as was possible and then held him at arms length as I carried him to the sink in the kitchen. I used the sprayer to hose him off as best I could and then Sydney was back with reinforcements. She even brought her favorite Boots the Monkey bath toy to entertain him. She's so thoughtful. I carefully and gently got the banana chunks and O's out of his hair and ears and then washed him down. I got him rinsed and dried quick as I could and into his diaper and jammies. Then I offered him his cup of pedialyte thinking he might want to rinse that awful taste from his mouth and he just looked up and me and said, "All done, Mama." My poor, poor little baby boy. He was just done. Sweet little guy.

Tonight they were all better and ready to celebrate their first birthday. We had our closest friends over for a little cake and singing. They loved their balloons. They liked their presents. But they really loved their cake.

Brock's First Bite of Cake (Icing)

Braden Digging In With Gusto

The Boys Having A Big Time With Cake

Someone Took My Cake Away! NOOOOO!!!

Can You Believe It? How Dare They? Don't They Know It's Our Birthday?

We're Still in Shock and We're Not Gonna Smile

Now It's Bathtime

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

And The Journey Continues

2010-01-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

The catalyst for this blog (or rather its precursor "http://fillmorekyrg.blogspot.com/") was the start of the journey to adopt our daughter in Asia. I will not get into much detail about that part of our family's story here, but if you are interested in the history, I encourage you to read the previous blog; it is a part of my life that is very dear to me and, at times, is very raw and difficult to read, but it has made me into the woman and mother I am today and for that I would not give up a single part of it. All that being said, today, our journey begins anew.

We are finally able to start the process to bring our daughter home- from China.

According to Chinese adoption laws, the youngest child in your house must be at least 12 months of age before you can begin the adoption process for their country. That happy day is today. We have much to celebrate today; the anniversary of the birth of our beautiful, healthy sons and the day we can finally officially begin the process to bring their little sister home.

January 6th will forever be a very special date for our family.

We are expecting the entire process to take about three years from today. Sydney will be seven. Brock and Braden will be four. And we are hoping their little sister will be between two and three years old.

We have waited a long time for this day to come. Sometimes it seems as though I have waited over half my life. The road to Kyrgyzstan was an interesting side road along the way and I found some lifetime friends on that path. I would not give up that detour for anything. It was worth its weight in gold to me. You know who you are. While on that path, I felt for sure it was where I was supposed to be. It just felt right. And the day I found out we were pregnant, that felt right, too. I heard God's voice clearly calling us to add two more children to our family at that time. Without one doubt that is what I heard. It was His voice. No doubt. I knew we could adopt and have the baby.

The day I found out there were two babies...was the most bittersweet moment of my life.

I knew it meant letting go of the child of my heart. The one I had dreamed of for so long. So many years. So many dreams. Just when she was within my reach...I had to let her go. I had to let her go. It was like when I lost Jonathan all over again, only this time, I couldn't tell anyone because God had given me two healthy babies to care for and to love. I didn't know how to grieve the loss of the child of my heart, while growing to love the babies in my womb. Boy was I mixed up! Put with that a double helping of pregnancy hormone...man, I don't know how anyone could stand to be near me! Luckily, I was throwing up between 7 and 10 times a day, so not many were! The first time I remember actually smiling and being happy about the babies was around week 13, or so. I felt immense relief when I heard two healthy heartbeats, but actual happiness, came later I think. Remembering these thoughts now, when I have known my sweet Brock and Braden for a year, makes me feel incredible guilt that I ever felt anything like this at all. But these are my true, real feelings. And if I have learned anything from my dear friend in the last five weeks, if you're ever going to free yourself from the pain and the guilt, you have to own up to it. That takes away hold or power the devil may have over you. And I don't want him to ever have any weapons against me again. He has had enough of those in the past. God has made me a new creature, a strong one who fights against the evil one. And I will not back down again.

So our journey begins anew. When our name is at the top of the waiting list...her name will be at the top of the waiting list. And she will finally come home. Home. To her mother's waiting arms at last. We're coming, baby, we're coming.

A Year With Twins

2010-01-01T19:45:00.000-08:00

The last twelve months have been a very interesting window into a part of human life that many do not ever get invited to be a part of: the world of twins. Being the mother of two babies at the same time is an experience that no one, other than another mother of twins, could possibly understand.

In the beginning, when you find out there are two people growing inside your body, you are filled both with awe and fear. Awe that you could be chosen to have this remarkable gift of two children bestowed upon you at the same time. Wonder at the mysticism of the world you are about to join.

And all consuming fear. Fear that you alone are responsible for the protecting the two lives that are growing inside you. Fear that you surely are not the right person for this honor, surely a mistake was made somewhere. Knowing what it was like carrying for one infant and being absolutely terrified that there is no way you could possibly handle two at the same time. Fearing that maybe, just maybe, God made a mistake.

And then the sickness sets in. You can't even handle the one child you already have and you wonder how on earth you could possibly handle two more.

Then you hear them. Two heartbeats. At the same time. And just for a moment, everything stops. Nobody moves, nobody speaks, nobody breaths. It is just you, and Them. For the very first time. And you think, maybe, just maybe, this is. I can do this. These are my babies. My babies. I have two babies. And they have two heartbeats. Surely this is from God.

Then one day like magic, the sickness turns off like a faucet. The sun comes out again. I start to feel them move inside me. Not like their sister did, in little flutters. More like, a set of choreographed movements within me. One will move left, the other will move right. They are already wrestling each other inside me, much like Jacob did with Esau.

Finally, we got to see their blurry little faces. What would they look like? Were they beautiful little girls or handsome little boys? I really didn't even want to know anything this day beyond the words: they are both healthy. And they were. So perfect. Absolutely perfect. What joy filled my heart this day. As tears of joy streamed down my cheeks, tears of despair poured from their sister. She wanted sisters. Not "brudders." I had to let her grandmothers handle that one for me because I was no help once I learned of their health. I was an absolute blubbering mess. I was too busy praising my Father for the gift of two perfect healthy sons.

Not long after this joyous (for some) day, we learned it would be best for me and the boys for me to be on "modified" bed rest. What this actually means for a mother of a three year old is still up for debate. But thanks to good friends, a great husband, and an extraordinary housekeeper, it was made completely doable. And I'd do it all again in a second if it meant giving my sons a chance to stay in my womb and grow longer. As it turned out, we needed every single day of that bed rest. We made weekly, sometimes twice weekly, trips to L&D over the next two months to stop labor and by the grace of God our sons were able to grow an extra seven weeks. Praise be to God. I will never stop praising Him for that priceless gift.

We made to week 34 and on January 6 at 9:11 pm both Braden and Brock made their entrance into the world. We had a bit of a rough beginning, but after 18 days in the NICU, we finally brought them home.

Things were tough those first couple of weeks at home. No sleep. Feeding, pumping, burping, diapering, bathing, putting to sleep, soothing, all times two. It was hard. We had some wonderful help. It was still hard. We had to sleep in shifts. Tony and I did not sleep in the same bed until the twins were four months old. It was just too complicated. One of us had to keep the babies, while the other one tried to "catch up" on sleep missed from the night before. And if Tony was on call...forget it.

We were really just in survival mode until one day something just didn't seem right. Something was wrong. And I mean very wrong. With Braden. His coloring was off. And it was getting worse. He had been home for two and half weeks, so we were just getting to know him, but something wasn't right. And if it weren't for having his brother right next to him to compare him to, we might have missed it. Who knows? Lesson one for parents of twins- you will compare them to each other and sometimes it's absolutely necessary. Braden had hemolytic anemia. He was admitted to the hospital where he received a blood transfusion at 2:00 in the morning. That was the number one most terrifying moment of my life to date. I did not ever want to go through anything like that ever again.

One week later. Brock was admitted to the hospital for a blood transfusion to treat hemolytic anemia. Lesson two for parents of twins- when one gets sick, the other will almost always get it. Not that this was contagious or anything, just a good lesson for parents of twins to learn regardless.

Since then, the drama has been dialed down considerably- thank you to God. Normal lumps, bumps, fevers, ears, etc. Teeth have been a pain, but getting better. We are learning how to corral them a little better now that they are crawling. But they do seem to encourage each other's escapes and escapades. Braden will see Brock take off down the hall or vice versa and will promptly take pursuit. They really are starting to be quite fun. I will try to post some video if I can ever figure out how.

Their first birthday is on Wednesday and I just cannot believe a year has already gone by when it seems like only yesterday there were times I would count minutes. Thank you, Father, for the most precious gift of my sons. I cherish them. Both of them.

Spoke Too Soon

2009-12-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

We are headed to Grandma's house tomorrow and Brock is not the best traveler. We have had to find a pediatrician to see him on July 4th in Colorado, on a Sunday in Dallas, and on Thanksgiving in Oklahoma City. I wanted to avoid that this trip so I took him to our pediatrician's partner today since she was having office hours. I really only suspected that he might have an ear infection, so I wanted to rule it out, or get him on the antibiotic if he had one. Well, he not only had one, but two and he also had strep. And so did his brother whom I didn't even suspect was sick. The only reason he was even there was because Tony was operating and couldn't stay at home with him. Normally we avoid taking more than one child to the doctor at all costs, so we don't expose any of the others to the germs in the office. Today it was unavoidable. And, as it turns out, a very good thing he was there. They both got a shot of Rocephin and one of Bicillin which are both very thick, painful injections. Poor, little guys. I am going to take Brock to see our pediatrician tomorrow morning and see what he about his ears. I had tubes as a child and I think Brock probably needs them, as well. I think Braden should be fine because this is only his third minor ear infection and it is Brock's seventh major one in three months. Tony asked me if I was okay with my baby going in for thinks surgery, and I am absolutely am. If it will help my baby not feel miserable, I am willing to allow him to go into an operating room without me. It will be difficult, but I can do it. I think.

Babies' First Christmas!

2009-12-25T17:42:00.000-08:00

After an extended hiatus... I am back!

Brock and Braden and big sister Sydney have been keeping me very, very busy since I last posted during our headlong dive into sick season. Which was not influenza A, by the way, but a very nasty run-in with the dreaded swine flu. We survived without a visit to the hospital, but Brock got pretty close with fevers over 105 for six days straight and borderline dehydration. We have been relatively well since then, only minor stuff, ear infections, colds, viruses, etc.

Brock and Braden both started crawling around Thanksgiving. Braden has perfect technique and Brock, well, he doesn't. He CAN crawl, he chooses not to. He prefers to army crawl using his left arm to propel himself across the floor. Have I mentioned he is left-handed? He started sucking his left thumb about a week after Braden started sucking his right thumb around five months old. They are both starting to pull up to their knees now, so I know that cruising the furniture will not be long now. We have not had much trouble with stranger anxiety until this week. Most of the time they are simply happy to have someone hold them, not really caring who it is as long as they are not left behind while the brother gets picked up. They are extremely jealous of each other. They cannot, or will not, tolerate not being picked up first. Or fed first. Or given a toy first. Or whatever. They do not get that we will get them next. Right away. Immediately. When do they learn that? Ahhhhh! The worst is when I am getting them in the car and I have to pick one to put in first. I have to listen to the other one scream until I get the first one in the car before I can come back in and get him. I had no idea this whole other world of twins existed before I had twins. I knew they were out there and all, but I just never considered all the nuances involved with having twins.

This time last year I was on bed-rest, making twice weekly trips to L&D to stop labor, just praying to make it to 34 weeks. I never would have guessed I would only make it another two weeks after Christmas before the boys made their debut. I was so grateful that they made it to 34 weeks, but so scared that they were still so very early. After a few weeks in the NICU, and a long winter at home, they really started taking off and now they are actually bigger than their sister was at this age. When they were born six weeks early I felt so much guilt about not being able to carry them inside me any longer and protect them and keep them safe like I was supposed to. I felt like I had failed at my most important job. I couldn't even imagine ever being glad they were born when they were because of the guilt I felt. Boy was I wrong! This Christmas was so much better than it would have been if they were full term babies because they would have been only ten months old and not doing all the cool stuff they're doing now. They can clap and dance and laugh and play. They know how toys work and get excited when they see new ones. They steal toys from each other and make the other one cry. They can play peek-a-boo with each other and you hear them belly-laughing from the other room. They eat suckers and pull hair. They are way done with baby food and scream at you if you don't put food in front of them faster than they can eat it. And with two of them, this can be quite a challenge, let me tell you! I think I have actually lost about three pounds in the last two weeks (during Christmas, no less!) because they are eating more of my food than I am. They love the Christmas tree and the singing stuffed toys from Hallmark. They are on the fence about Santa this year, but I think they both lean towards liking him. They didn't care much for unwrapping their gifts, which was fine, since Sydney was more than willing to step in for them on that one. They don't really like snow because it is cold and wet. And they will both eat any Christmas treat that comes their way.

Sick Season Begins With a Vengeance

2009-09-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

If any of you out there were wondering if you should get a flu shot yet, the answer is a resounding "yes." Brock has the worst case of Influenza A I have ever seen. I am not sure if Sydney has ever even had this, but there will be no chance I will forget that poor little Brock had it. Ever. His fever has been as high as 104.1 since Sunday. Not continually, thank God, but on and off since Sunday it has been that high. We are keeping him on a very strict regimen of Motrin and Tylenol every three hours around the clock and it seems to help a little. I don't want to think how high it would be without it. He also has his very first ear infection and it's a NASTY one. He just fingers his ear and swipes at it constantly while giving this pathetic little moan and wail. He is just pathetic. He has slept in bed with me the last three nights and that has seemed to help him some. In almost four years of having kids, this is the first time we have ever had a child sleep in bed with us. Thankfully, they have never been this sick before. Braden has it, too, I think, but no where near as bad as Brock. He didn't test positive for it, but I have been treating him like he has it, too.

The reason Brock has it so bad, I think, is because last week he had hand, foot, and mouth disease. Just a light case to be sure, but his immune system was already compromised from that so it didn't take much to knock him down completely. He seems to be getting better, but we will keep him in for the next four to five days just to make sure.

Tony is going to his 20 year high school reunion this weekend, so if anyone wants to come help me with three children- be my guest. I am simply dreading being stuck in the house for two full days without any other human contact or any hope of any since we have the "sickness." Anyone get their flu shot yet?

Two Babies, One Three Year Old, and a Broken Leg Are Not Easy

2009-09-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

People tell me all the time, "I don't know how you do it! And with a broken leg, too!" I tell them, "I don't know how I do it either." The number one thing that helps me get through, (after my dear sweet hubby, of course!) is our nanny, Rena. To refer to her as "a nanny" is the understatement of the year. She is pretty much just like having another mom at our house. She does all the same things I do, well, except nurse the babies! She makes our lives run SO much smoother and, in fact, possible at times. I have needed to go to Walmart all week, but Brock stayed home from school on Weds. (sick), too much other stuff on Tuesday and Monday, and I couldn't take all three kids with me, so I had to wait until this morning to go. Sydney can go with me in stores since she can walk, but I can't push the boys in the stroller because I have to use my crutches. Syd isn't able to push the stroller yet (the behemoth that it is) so we can't go anywhere right now unless someone comes with us.

A trip to Sam's with my dad last week looked like this: me on crutches in the store, my dad headed for the scooters, I took Syd to the bathroom, Dad met us outside the potty, I hopped on the scooter, he pushed a cart with Sydney in it while we went around the store collecting our purchases. We didn't even have the babies with us! Rena kept them at home with her.

My mom and I went to Target last weekend (Tony was on call so she flew out to help us, God bless her!) We parked at the door, got everyone out, babies in the stroller, Mom went in to get the scooter (of which they only have two! Walmart has an entire fleet!), I hopped on the scooter, Sydney sat in front of me, I pulled the stroller along side us, and Mom went to park the car! Good grief! I will be SOOO glad when this stupid stress fracture finally heals. No more running for me!

The Princess and The Pea(s)

2009-09-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

We took the kiddos to the studio today to get their pictures made in their Halloween costumes. I will let the pictures tell the rest of the story today.

Brock

Braden

Tink Twirling

So sweet...

So mischievous...

We had a lot of fun at our "shoot" today. Hope you all enjoy these pictures as much as we do!

Running Can be Hazardous to Your Health

2009-09-09T16:46:00.000-07:00

Everything was going a little better, getting a little easier, so I decided I was ready to start getting back into shape. I didn't really want to join a gym because I don't care for the idea of paying someone a lot of money to drive to their place, put my stuff in a locker, my kids in childcare, get on a machine used by dozens of other sweaty people, try to act as though I really enjoy being there, and then getting everything together and going back home. Not appealing at all.

So I decided it would be a great idea to start running in our neighborhood. Now mind you, I haven't "run" for exercise in almost twenty years. I think, I'll start slowly and build up my endurance; it will be great. My loving hubby got me a Nike Plus for my IPod and I loved it! It keeps track of how far you've run, how long, how many calories, etc. It is extremely encouraging to someone who really wants to improve her physical conditioning through running.

I had been running for about two weeks and my knees were really starting to hurt. Hubby encouraged saying, "I hurt, too. You just run through it and it will get better." I wanted to believe him, so I kept running for another week. By this time my body is screaming at me to stop this nonsense and get my knees checked out. So, wanting to be responsible, I scheduled an appointment with the orthopedic clinic in town. They couldn't get me in until two days later so I waited. My knees were getting progressively worse, and the left one kept giving out on me. Day of appointment, guy takes x-rays and says, "Don't see anything on the x-ray, we'll put you in a brace and in PT three times a week for three weeks to build up your weaker muscles because your patella is tracking wrong." Okay. PT the next day goes alright, but doesn't seem to help any. I do my at home exercises wanting to obey the therapist.

Saturday night, while at Chuck E. Cheese (where a kid can be a kid), I was pushing the boys in the stroller and it ran into something that didn't move and my leg kept going. Huge mistake. I screamed very loudly, no one came to my rescue (T and S were spending her tickets) and I hobbled out to the car trying not to cry. I know something is very wrong at this point.

Monday morning, I went back to the clinic and sat in the waiting room until someone could see me. Luckily it was the other guy this time, the one who knows what he is doing. He ordered an MRI and gave me a Cortisone shot. Shot hurt like a mug, but didn't help at all. After the MRI, the tech told me she saw what looked like a deep bone bruise, a stress fracture, or a fracture on my tibial plateau. She couldn't say for sure though since she wasn't the radiologist. The next morning the doc calls and says I have stress fracture and the brace I was using was actually making it worse because it was pressing directly on the fracture. I say what does that mean for me? He says, "Stay off of it completely for four to six weeks." Doesn't he realize I have TWO BABIES?!!! How on earth could he possibly think I could do that? He says, "Come in and get a super duper fancy brace and crutches for when you have to walk." Seriously?

I tried that for a week and then I had to be honest with myself and realized I was not minding, so I wasn't mending. I called yesterday and told on myself. He made me come in and get a cast. From my groin to my TOES!!!!!!!! Unbelievable. So now I have this HUGE honkin' hot pink cast that won't allow me to put weight on my leg at all with the hope that it will start to heal now. I will have this for at least three weeks. So now, I have a wheelchair at home to help me move the babies about and try to maintain some independence and usefulness to my family in the meantime. My dad came out for a day last week to help me, and my mom is coming Friday night to help me while T is on call this weekend. I don't think I could survive if she wasn't coming. Thank you, Dad and Mommy, for coming to rescue me

Our Little Ballerina

2009-09-07T06:40:00.000-07:00

Sydney didn't get mentioned last night, so today she gets her own post. She had quite a big summer. She had gymnastics with Miss Brandy again and she started ballet. Gymnastics is still her favorite and her donkey kicks are starting to get really great. She loves doing them. All the time. In the living room, the bedroom, on the ottoman, on the couch, at church. Really anywhere there happens to be a little extra room. Sometimes she performs the maneuver dangerously close to her brothers and gets in a little bit of trouble. Her cartwheels on the other hand, well, let's just say, sadly, I think she takes after her mother on those. Maybe someday she will do one, but it's not looking too good right now.

Her first experience with ballet did not go quite like I thought it would. She had a teacher that was a little, well, not fun. She is probably an excellent teacher for experienced dancers, but not so much for beginners. I understand that teaching ballet to three year olds is like trying to herd cats, as my dear hubby likened it to, but couldn't you at least try to make it fun and enjoyable? Sydney came home and said, "Ballet is kinda hard for me; I think I'll just do gymnastics." That just broke my heart because as you can see from the pictures below, she was extremely excited about ballet before it actually started. We switched to a different studio for the fall and based on the one class she has been to so far, I think it will be a much better experience for her. Her teacher is Miss Lugene and she seems to have the perfect disposition for teaching beginners. Sydney left her first class just bubbling with smiles and laughter.

Our Little Ballerina

She loves taking pictures on the stairs.

In her tap shoes. She loves them. Our floors do not.

She has become quite the expert on her tricycle.

We will get her a bike for her birthday. She can't wait!

She really loves our new house. I will let Sydney tell you in her own words, as dictated to me, what she loves so much about her new house.

"I really like my bunk beds the best cause Ardyn gets to sleep over. I think we will be best friends for ever and ever. And I love that Ardyn lives down my street so I can see her all the time. I love my sandbox in the backyard and my swing-set. I love having my room downstairs cause I get scared by myself. And I love the Woodlands playground and I am going to be a Woodlands Bear!"

We have really been blessed by the new house. Having everyone downstairs is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I was unsure about living on this side of town at one time, but I was so wrong! It is really great up here. No traffic, people actually play outside, it's incredibly beautiful- lots of hills and trees, the golf course is right down the street. It takes a little longer to get to church, but everywhere else we go is pretty much the same distance. And since we live in Amarillo, that distance is never more than fifteen minutes.

Our backyard has been just incredible this summer! We are out there every day and there is so much to do. It is fairly well protected from the fierce Amarillo winds, so it is quite pleasant. We have a great porch that wraps around the whole yard and it is a fun place to sit a spell and watch the kids play. The boys love being outdoors. If they are screaming out of control, we just take the bouncers outside and let them get some fresh air and watch Sydney's crazy antics. She loves entertaining them. She likes to "hold court" sitting on the fireplace with the boys in their saucers hanging on her every word. They all just adore each other. She has come a long way from crying on the floor in the sonographer's room when she learned they were brothers.

Preschool starts tomorrow and she is so excited. All her friends are in her class again and she asks me everyday if it's Tuesday yet. We have already coordinated her first day outfit with her little friend Saige. Pink playdress, pigtails with pink hairbows, pink socks, pink tennis shoes. Pink pink pink. Can you guess what her favorite color is?

Arydn and Sydney making cupcakes at their first sleepover.

Being silly in the tub.

Taking a bath after one of their many swim dates.

Eight Months Old Already!

2009-09-06T18:48:00.001-07:00

If anyone reads this, please post a comment so I will know someone is still checking my blog. I will be very surprised if anyone actually reads this since I have quit updating it. So sorry to my loyal readers. Both of you.

Today the boys are eight months old. I know. I can't believe it either. Quick run down of all their stats:

Braden has two teeth and has just now decided to start rolling over. He has been able to do it for several months, but he is on "Braden time" and simply didn't want to do it yet. He is very curious and always wants to see what is behind him. He is very reserved most of the time. He is extremely coy and smiles primarily with his eyes. You can get him laughing sometimes, but it takes a lot of doing. He is pretty even tempered most of the time, but when he gets mad-brace yourself- because he cannot be calmed down until he is ready. He has a nasty temper and a very shrill screech. He does not like loud noises. At all. He has been sleeping through the night for the most part since June. He does wake up on occasion, but goes back to sleep pretty easily.

Brock. Oh, Brock. He is a ham! He will smile at anyone and anything. He has these amazing belly laughs that are just contagious. He has been been rolling over and army crawling for quite a while now and refuses to stay on his back. He sleeps on his tummy and always has his lovey at hand. He just got his first tooth on Friday and boy were we relieved. I was starting to think it would never come through. His emotions change on a dime, but he is easily soothed most of the time.

The boys are really starting to interact with each other-especially through jealousy. They cannot stand it if someone picks up the other one and not them. They will go from perfectly content to banshee if they see the brother get picked up and not them. They steal toys from each other and food, as well. If we give one a toy because the other one had one and they didn't, the one that had a toy will stop playing with his and look at what the other one is doing. They are the most fun to watch in the bathtub. We have this great little baby bath that I call their "boat." We can fit them in it together and they will kick each other and eat each others' feet. We have many photos and much video of bathtime.

Their favorite activity of all is watching Baby Einstein videos. Specifically, "Baby Van Gogh-World of Colors." They will be shrieking and then they will hear the unmistakable music of the DVD starting and they will stop what they are doing, turn, and look for the video. Pavlov's dogs...

We have still not had them tested for zygosity yet, but we do think they are most likely identical. To be more precise, I think they are mirror image twins. Google it, it's really cool. We learned at about five months old that Brock is left handed and Braden is right handed when they started sucking their thumbs. It is the cutest thing I think I have ever seen. They will snuggle with their monkey lovey, rub it on their face, and pop the thumb in the mouth. I will carry this sweet memory with me for always when I want to remember my sweet little boys as babies. I hope everyone gets to enjoy this precious gift with at least one of their babies.

I have run out of steam on my post, but I have much more to share. So if anyone actually reads this, please comment so I will know I am not just wasting my time blogging and I will post again tomorrow or Tuesday.

Great News!

2009-06-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

We accepted an offer on our old house yesterday! Thank you to you all for your prayers. God is surely taking care of us. We both really heard His voice when we bought our new house without having buyers for our old one. It is so nice to feel confident in Him. I wish I was able to live like that every minute of every day, but somehow I always seem to get in my own way. We will not close as soon as we would like, but at least we have a buyer. Praise be to God!

The kids are all starting to feel better, but that darn thrush will NOT go away! The nurse called me today just to chat (I LOVE our doctor's office!!!) and I mentioned the thrush problem. She asked if I was still nursing and I told her yes. She said that is why it is not going away. Because I have to TREAT MY BREASTS, TOO! Now why couldn't someone have told me that, oh I don't know, TWO AND A HALF WEEKS AGO!!!! Jeez! So now I have to put this fantastic yellow medicine all over the girls four times a day. What am I supposed to do with that? Just not wear a bra, or get it all yucky? Not wearing a bra doesn't sound too bad actually...

So our bestest nanny in the whole world has been on a much needed vacation with her family this week. And boy have we ALL missed her!!! I think she is having a fabulous time cause she texted me that she met Stacy and Clinton at the amusement park in Denver. How cool is that? She comes back on Thursday and will be here on Friday morning. I can make it. I can make it. We have had one of Sydney's preschool teachers here helping us today, but she was exhausted after a few hours. She kept telling me, "I don't know how you do this every day. I just don't know how you do it." She is supposed to come and help me again on Thursday, too, I just hope we didn't scare her off...

Brock and Braden started MDO on Monday. It went pretty well, all things considered. Neither of them ate very well, but they don't for me either. They will go back tomorrow and hopefully it will go even better. Sydney told me tonight that she LOVES that her "bubbas" go to school with her now. She thinks it's so cool they are right across the hall from her and she can check on them. She is such a great big sister. Now if we could just keep her from squishing them...

Has It Really Been This Long?

2009-05-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this post, thank you. I fear I may have lost both of my loyal readers. We have been very busy the last month and a half and I have not wanted to blog in any of my free moments. I have most likely chosen to sleep.

Brock and Braden are now four and a half months old. Brock weighs 12 lb. 10 oz and Braden weighs 12 lb. We are just thrilled with their progress as they are now on "the charts." Brock is in the 4% and Braden is in the 2%. We take our victories where we can. They do not sleep through the night, but they are doing better and better each week. They typically wake only around 2-3 am and then they are up for the day between 6 and 7. They had a pretty rough week this last week. On Sunday, I realized they both had thrush. And on Friday my mommy radar was going off again and sure enough they both had strep throat. Add their twice daily dose of Xantac on top of everything and they were getting three different medications throughout the day for almost the whole week. One was twice a day, one was three times a day and one is four times a day. Times TWO babies. Let me tell you, that is a lot of medications. I will be glad when we are well again! And Miss Sydney was sick, too, with the adno virus and a secondary bacterial infection on top of that. She had a z pack for three day and an antibiotic eye drop. If I never see our pharmacy again...

Oh yeah, and we moved.

We went through the building process last year (if you followed my other blog) and decided not to move into it since our other house never sold. Neither of us felt quite right about taking the risk of moving into that house since our other one wasn't sold yet. We were working with the architect and our builder drawing up plans for another house (which was being bid out at the time) when Tony found a brand new house completed finished and completely perfect for our little family. We decided to take a chance and made an offer even though our current house still hadn't sold. We moved in last weekend and WE LOVE IT!!! It is just absolutely fabulous and perfect for us. The builder used to work with our other builder so the quality and little touches are much the same. This builder built the house for his family, but the family buying his old house backed out and he had to sell the one he built. There are so many fantastic touches throughout the house, many of the very things we have always wanted in a house that we built. And some of the things were actually better than the house we designed. I will try to post some pix when Tony gets the other computer hooked up (that is where the pix are downloaded.)

I will try to post more frequently in the future! I have missed you all very much!!!

So Much Work!

2009-04-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

If it feels like I haven't blogged in forever, it's probably because I haven't. In case you didn't know, two little babies are A LOT OF WORK!!! Every time I finish with one baby, I have to go right to the other baby. It feels more like an assembly line most of the time. I don't feel like I have really bonded with either baby yet and it hurts my heart. Sydney and I did nothing but bond when she was a baby.

Long gone are the days of Mommy and Sydney. We used to spend hours just playing and reading books. Now she's lucky if I get to read her one book before bedtime and help her brush her teeth. At least she had me to herself for three full years. The poor brothers will never know what that is like. Another mother of twins once told me that twins learn patience from a very early age. I am not sure what age they learn it at, but I sure wish my boys were there! I wake up with one of them before five every morning. And it's different each day. We try to survive until our friend, Rena, gets here a little before 8:30. She started coming Tuesday- Friday during the day to help me keep my sanity. She gets here, I take Sydney to school at 9, and on a good day I come back home and go back to bed until I have to pick Sydney up from school around 2 or 3. On other days, I have the weekly errands that must be taken care of before I can try to get some much needed sleep.

A typical night for us right now looks like this: Sydney to bed before 7:30. Bottles at 8:00 and bed for the boys around 8:30. One or both may stir a few times before we feed again at 1:30 or 2:00, if we're lucky, which requires whoever is staying up with them to settle them until the mid-night feed. And then they both go back to sleep until one of them wakes up around 4:00 or 4:30 just to hang out. And then the other one wakes around 6:00. And this week Sydney has been getting up before 7:00. And thus, our day begins all over again.

Just in case you missed the point of this post, TWINS ARE A LOT OF WORK.

Ramblings

2009-03-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

Both boys got their blood reports back yesterday and they are "stable." Braden went down from 10.3 to 9.0; and Brock went from 9.3 to 9.6. I am not really sure what this means. I was hoping both would be around 11 or 12. Hopefully we are not going back down. I guess this is why we have them checked weekly. Thank you God for modern day medicine.

You would not BELIEVE the amount of mail we receive EVERYDAY from these doctor/hospital visits! We have a stack of papers about two inches thick explaining our benefits, or bills from each "encounter." You would think these guys were ninety and had been suffering from a slow, debilitating illness for years instead of just nine weeks old and something relatively minor. I truly think a small forest will die before this is all over. We have received paperwork for our paperwork. Why can't insurance companies and doctors' offices just use email? I opened the mailbox one day to find a large manila envelope from our insurance company with a thick stack of EOBs in it. I thought, "Finally! They figured out how to send them all together!" But, alas, no. The mail yesterday had two separate envelopes from them. Again. Good grief.

Poor Brock and Braden. They have had their blood checked so many times they barely even cry anymore when they get stuck. They have had it done more times in the last nine weeks than Sydney has in over three years. She has been stuck around six or seven times in her life, not counting shots. The poor little brothers passed that number when they were in the NICU. Since then they have both had blood drawn around ten more times, with multiple sticks at some of the draws. These poor little boys! And the end is still not in sight for them! This has just made me realize what the poor little kids that get cancer must go through. Why do children have to suffer, God? This world is not my home...

Team Brothers

2009-03-02T13:44:00.000-08:00

In the past, we have participated in the March for Babies. Friends of ours had a little girl, Amberly, who was born premature and lived for three weeks and they created a team that we have raised money for and walked for every April.

This year, we are forming our own team, Team Brothers, for our precious little miracle babies. I would like to invite anyone who reads this blog to participate in the walk with us this April. We will be raising money for the March of Dimes and if you would like to donate money, I will try to figure out a way to link you with their website through my blog. This is an organization that has been near and dear to me for many years as an observer; I simply never thought I would be a recipient of their good works. I did not know very much about the past of the March of Dimes until recently.

This organization started in 1939 to find a vaccine for polio. And since then, they are responsible for almost everything related to prenatal and newborn care.

They are the ones that developed the PKU test that every baby has to prevent some forms of mental retardation.

They are the ones whose research led to discovering that alcohol consumption during pregnancy leads to birth defects.

They are the ones that led the campaign for the creation of Neonatal Intensive Care Units. And I thank God every day that they did.

They are the ones that launched a campaign in 1994 urging women to take folic acid during pregnancy to prevent birth defects.

They helped secure passage for the CHIP program which provides healthcare for underprivileged children.

They help provide prenatal care for women in third world countries.

And they have provided funding for so many, many others working to eradicate premature births, genetic birth defects, mental retardation and so much more. This organization has touched everyone who reads this blog in some way. Some a lot deeper than others. If you want to know more about these amazing people who are helping babies, please check out their website

http://www.marchofdimes.com/home.asp

The March for Babies in Amarillo takes place on Saturday, April 25 in Thompson Park at 10 am. I would love for everyone that has been touched by The Brothers' story to join us if they are able. I will have t-shirts made up for Team Brothers and if you let me know your size, I will make one for you. If you live out of town and still want to help, let me know and I will figure out a way for you to help. I am planning on making this an annual event for our family and would love to have you and your family join us.

Who Knows?!

2009-02-23T19:13:00.000-08:00

After our visit with the hematologist today and a subsequent explanation from my husband about what said hematologist said, I now understand this hemolytic anemia a lot more clearly. Tony likened it to how our bodies respond to a virus. We get a virus, say chicken pox. And our bodies immediately spring into action creating antibodies that fight this foreign body attacking our body. Some viruses take only a few days for our bodies to create the necessary antibodies to kill it; some, like chicken pox, take longer. But once our bodies create the antibody for any particular virus, we can never get it again because our bodies have the antibodies needed to destroy it.

Most likely, when I was pregnant with Sydney some of her blood made its way into my blood and my body thought it was something it needed to create antibodies to destroy. She may have had this same thing the boys have, but she didn't show any clinical signs of it because the antibodies my body created weren't strong enough to harm her. But when the boys were placed in my womb, my body responded quickly and started producing the antibodies it thought it needed to destroy the "virus." These antibodies then got into Brock and Braden's blood and started attacking to protect me from them. Since they were introduced earlier in the boys' bodies, they had a much stronger effect on them than they did Sydney which is why we are having the hemolytic anemia.

What all this means is if we ever got pregnant again and the baby (or babies) had the same blood type as Brock and Braden, the antibodies would start attacking even quicker and the baby could possibly die. This also means that the jury is still out on fraternal or identical twins. Sorry, Sandy.

And I had the chicken pox. Twice.

Second Verse Same as the First

2009-02-22T12:02:00.000-08:00

Braden is doing great since his transfusion last week. But Brock started showing signs of hemolysis this week so we had his blood checked on Friday. The doc himself called me with the results and his hemoglobin was 6.9. We went back to the hospital for Brock to receive his blood transfusion. The hematologist met us up on the floor and told us we could go home as soon as he finished the transfusion. I was so happy that I wouldn't have to stay the night in the hospital again. So Brock got an IV in his head and they started the blood at 10:30 and we went home at 3:00 in the morning. Since then, Brock has picked up on his feeding again and generally seems to feel better.

We will take both boys to the hematologist's office tomorrow for the first time. I think he will probably want to run blood work on both boys since they both got it. He is fairly confident the boys are identical twins since they both had this very rare blood complication. It is possible they are still fraternal, but not very likely. If Brock hadn't gotten it, they would be fraternal twins for sure. I may have been a little curious about this information, but I sure didn't want to find out this way. God has been with these little boys since before they were born and He is still a constant presence. We thank Him for saving both of our sons.

The Labs Are Back

2009-02-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

Braden's nurse just called and gave me his blood work results from this morning's appointment. His bilirubin is down to 4.4 (Wonderful!) and his hemoglobin is up to 14.7!!!! Last Wednesday it was a terrifying 6.1, Thursday it was up to 9.9 after the transfusion, and now it is within normal range. Please join us in prayer as we thank the Great Physician for healing our son, Braden. We are almost 100% sure this horrific ordeal is over. Praise be to God!

Smiling Baby

2009-02-17T12:49:00.000-08:00

It has been almost a week since Braden got his blood transfusion and he is doing great! He is eating more aggressively than he ever did before and is interacting with us as much as Brock does. He is almost a different baby. We can tell that he just feels better. A lot more energy and his coloring is almost normal. We are still on our knees thanking God that for that still small voice that saved Braden. What an incredible blessing our sons are! And their big sister, too!

We reached another big milestone today: Brock smiled at me for the very first time. It was about fifteen minutes before the next feed and I was trying to distract him from his hunger until it was time to eat. We were looking at each other and I was bouncing him from side to side saying, Shush, shush, shush, and turning my head making smily faces when it happened. He just all of a sudden looked into my eyes and his mouth turned into a smile. What a moment! I was wondering if they would smile this week since smiling starts around six weeks of age, but since they are preemies I wasn't sure if they would be a little behind on that. I guess not, at least for Brock! Maybe Braden will smile this week, too!

The Voice

2009-02-13T09:40:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, Braden was looking more jaundiced than before and we took him to the doctor because we were starting to get pretty concerned. He ordered blood work on him and called us with the results on Wednesday afternoon. His bilirubin (related to liver, causes jaundice) had risen to 14 and was down to 9 when he was in the NICU three weeks earlier. This was cause for concern, but his hemoglobin (level of red blood cells) was 7 and should have been between 12.5 and 16.5. This was cause for alarm. The pediatrician called a hematologist and they made a plan to recheck his blood on Friday morning. I was not comfortable with that decision at the time, but did not want to be overreactive, impatient, and not trusting of their decision. I should have been.

About six hours after the plan was relayed to us, Braden's coloring worsened and he turned very pale. His breathing was labored and rapid. That wonderful gift God gives to mothers in the form of the Holy Spirit that tells us something is wrong was screaming inside me. I knew Braden needed help and he could not wait until Friday. He needed help right this minute. Tony encouraged me to listen to the voice and call the doctor immediately. He told us to take Braden right to the emergency room. When Braden and I got there (Tony stayed home with Brock and Sydney), the room had about thirty people waiting and there were three people waiting to sign in. My heart sank. The ER was the last place I wanted to take my five week old preemie baby. We haven't even taken him out of the house yet! I just knew we were in for a very long wait. We signed in and went to the farthest corner of the room to isolate ourselves as much as possible from the scariness. Much to my relief, Braden name was called within three minutes; they had rushed him to the front of the line because he was so critical. They checked his O2 sats and they were in the mid-80s so they put on him oxygen right away. The ER doctor came in and I tried to explain to him that there was something wrong with Braden's blood and we needed to run labs immediately. He listened to me try to explain everything and then I think he finally called the pediatrician which is what I had been requesting since we walked in the door an hour ago. They started the IV to get the blood and then they ran the labs. Three hours after we walked in the door the labs came back and his bilirubin had gone down to 9 (good), but his hemoglobin had gone down to 6.1. Not good. Tony later informed me that a hemoglobin level at 5 is heart failure. Braden got admitted to the Pediatric unit. When we got to our room, there were five nurses getting all of his vitals when a doctor walked in the room. I assumed at first that he was the hospitalist, but it was actually the hematologist!!! Hooray, I thought. He explained to me that he had just been to the lab to review Braden's blood and it looked to him that he was having experiencing severe anemia due to a hemolysis of his blood caused by a reaction from being exposed to my blood during birth. Basically, my red blood cells were attacking his red blood cells and destroying them to the point that he almost didn't have any left. This caused his jaundice and then his labored breathing. The next thing it would start affecting was his heart's ability to function. In order to prevent this from happening, he explained, Braden needed a blood transfusion. The blood transfusion would give Braden's blood the boost he needed to give his body strength to fight against the incompatibility of our bloods. His body might have been able to do it on its own, but this would give him extra strength and time. I called Tony to relay to him what the doctor told me and his first response was, Thank God! Of all the scary, scary things this could have been, this was the very best one. He had considered this possibility but dismissed it because he thought Braden was too old to be having a reaction like this now. These types of things normally happen within the womb or the first week of life. This particular type is so uncommon they don't really have very much research out there about it. We still have go watch him very closely for the next week or so to make sure he doesn't relapse, but both our doctors are pretty confident this is what is was and that it is over. They discharged him yesterday afternoon because there was more danger to him staying in the hospital and being exposed to other illnesses. We went back to the doctor this morning and we will go again on Tuesday and Friday for more lab work. But hopefully, this is over.

The moral of this story is: Mothers, listen to the Voice. God gives us this gift for a reason and we have to listen to it. The Holy Spirit nudging our hearts is never something to be ignored or passed off. Please listen to this Voice whenever you hear it, because it is from Him. He loves us and is trying to protect us from whatever it is He is nudging us about. I thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit and I ask that you join me on your knees to thank Him for saving Braden. Thank you, God, for saving Braden.

Triage

2009-02-09T09:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry to all of my blog fans for not updating recently. As you have probably guessed from the title, we are in triage mode at the Fillmore house. Merely surviving day to day and sometimes hour to hour. Both boys are on a very good schedule and eating, pooping and sleeping as they should. Just when we get done feeding them at one feeding, it seems like it is already time for the next feeding. I can get a few things done in between, but not much. Things are getting better, but it will be awhile before we are out of triage mode.

Sydney is starting to feel more comfortable with them, which I fear is not a good thing. She is in their faces a lot more and I feel it is only a matter of time before she tries to pick one of them up. I have to constantly stay on top of her to ensure the boys' safety. Her favorite baby doll, Baby Debbie, is getting a lot more of her attention than in the past right now. Hopefully, the doll will take the brunt of the attention and care. She is doing great going to school four days a week and is upset when it is not a school day. I think she will most likely continue the four days a week schedule until she actually starts kindergarten. It makes me a little sad to think she is only three years old and going to school four day a week when I think she should be home with me, but she loves it and that makes it easier. She is looking forward to her Valentine's Parties at her schools this week. She has already decided what she is going to wear which is of the utmost importance to her. She has also become the boys' stylist and takes great pride at making their wardrobe selections each day. Sometimes several times a day if she has her way. She is also the bathing assistant which she takes very seriously. And the diaper getter and taker-away. So far she hasn't been disgusted by their poopy diapers...

Rough Night

2009-02-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

Last night was rough. Both boys slept fitfully from midnight to three, and Sydney woke up at 1:30. Braden finally went to sleep after the three o'clock feeding, but Brock was awake until the seven o'clock feeding. If they keep doing this, I am not sure I am going to make it. I require sleep. Period. I do not function happily if I don't get sleep. I am normally pretty calm and patient, but all bets are off if I don't get sleep. Did I mention I didn't get much sleep? I do have a wonderful friend named Michelle who voluntarily came over this morning so I could take Sydney to school and then get some sleep while she cared for the boys for a few hours. This was a gift straight from God. He must have known I would require this today and set it up for me last Friday. Again, Michelle, HUGE thank you to you and many blessings on you. You are the best!

My dad arrives tonight just in time to help me out this week. This will be a big help because Tony is working all day tomorrow and then going out of town until Saturday night. But then he is taking off the next three weeks! What a wonderful time this will be for our family to get to spend together bonding and surviving. It is our plan (and hopefully the pediatrician's) to get the boys on a schedule that will have them sleeping twelve hours at night by twelve weeks old and having both of us at home to get them there will be awesome. We can just take turns sleeping and staying up with the boys.

A big thank you to Lori for the blog cuteness info. I hope you all like the spiffy new look for my blog. If it changes again, it's just because this website has so many cute options!

Computer Lessons

2009-01-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

I received some computer tutoring today from my sweet husband. He showed me how to upload pictures and move them where they need to be to post them on my blog and Facebook. He also is so sweet that he reconfigured the laptop to make it super easy for me to use it for all of my blogging updates. He also showed me how to upload video clips and once I figure out how to edit them for posting, I will be adding some video. Too much in one day will probably fry my already overloaded brain. I think I am going to ask my friend Lori where she got her super cute blog decorations and soon you will see a new and improved background on my blog. But too much work all at once will wear me out even more than I already am. Sometime soon.

I am starting to get pretty tired. Still functioning pretty well considering, but I think it's starting to catch up with me. Braden is experiencing some tummy troubles and fusses some throughout the day and night. The day is okay for that, but getting up every fifteen to thirty minutes is really taking its toll on me. I will fall asleep for a little snatch and then he will need help. I will just get back to sleep, and then he will need help again. And then it happens again, and this time it's Brock! Ahhh! Tony somehow trained himself during residency to fall asleep the minute his head hits the pillow, and I think I will ask him for sleeping lessons next...

And I have added a few new pictures to the car bed post for those of you wondering what on earth a car bed looked like so scroll down to see them.

Great Report

2009-01-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

The boys went on their first big adventure today: to the doctor. I think this is the only place they will be visiting until the end of March, or so our doctor requested today. He said it is always a little better to take them out after Spring Break because the "sick season" seems to have settled down by then. So we are going to just settle into a nice little routine here at the house until then. They both got excellent reports from the doctor today. Brock now weighs 6 lbs 4 oz up from 5 lbs 9 oz on Saturday and 5 lbs 1 oz at birth. Braden now weighs 5 lbs 14 oz up from 5 lbs 2 oz on Saturday and 4 lbs 12 oz at birth. The doctor was so impressed with their weight gain he said we can back off on their middle of the night feedings to every four hours or so. Everything else he checked was just perfect. I asked if I could switch them to all formula and he said no. He wants them to get all the breast milk they can get at least until after Spring Break. Shoot. I was so hoping it would be okay. They still have to ride in their car beds at least another couple of weeks until they are the size and age of normal newborns. I am not sure they will still fit lengthwise because the limit is twenty inches and they are both nineteen and half inches already. Oh well, at least we don't go anywhere.

In other news, Max and Jake have found a new home. It is a really great home for them. There is a stay at home mom and a ten year old girl and a five year old little boy for them to play with and loved on by. They seemed really excited to be going with them. It is a little sad for me to have to find them a new home, but I know it is the best thing for them because we just don't have the time to spend with them that they deserve. They are outside all the time and Sydney only plays with them about twice a week. This will be a very good thing for them. We have told Sydney that we will get another puppy when the brothers are older and they can all play with the puppies together. She seems to be okay with them leaving. Time will tell when she gets home from school and sees they are gone.

Weather Delay

2009-01-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

Well, the boys were supposed to have their first photo shoot today, but it got delayed due to weather. Hopefully we will be able to do it tomorrow and then I can get their birth announcements together to mail to all of you, my loyal readers. Speaking of my loyal readers, I want to give a shout out to all of you who post comments. I love to read them and they really do encourage me to write more frequently. Thanks, Lori, for your response to yesterday's post; I worked particularly hard on that one to get the humor of the story across. I love ya, girl!

One thing they tell you about having two babies at a time, it is hard. And it is. Brock was fussy all night last night and Tony held him from 4:30 until 6:00. And he had to feed both boys between 5 and 5:30. When he got them both back to bed, I had to get Brock and hold him not even five minutes later. This was okay until about 6:30 when Braden started fussing, too. So I tried to put Braden paci back in for about fifteen minutes until I realized that wasn't going to work so I had to try and hold both of them (not easy to do) and soothe them at the same time. And then Sydney woke up! People always say it is hard going from one kid to two, I say try going from one to three! I can't even imagine how my friends (not really) Jon and Kate did it going from 2 to 8! And I saw on the news this morning that somebody in California was delivering seven babies today and when they got the seventh one out, they found another baby!! How do you not know you are having 8 babies?! I cannot even imagine having eight babies. I only have two (three with Sydney) and I feel like I will never be able to function without help. God bless them.

Car Beds

2009-01-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

I never did get to finish the story about the car beds. When the boys failed their second car seat challenge, the only way they would get to come home was in a car bed. The nurses in the NICU called Babies R Us to see if they had any and they were told they had two of them in stock. The nurses placed them on hold and called me to tell me to pick them up. I raced over to the store and ran in to get them. I went to the counter and told them I had two car beds on hold. They acted like they had no idea what I was talking about. Finally, someone who did know came up to where we were. She told me to come over to the Toys R Us side because they were on hold over there. I thought this strange, but went along with her. She took me to customer service and the lady there asked if I wanted the blue or the red. I told her I needed both of them. She said are you sure? You probably just want the blue one because it costs less. I said are you sure? I think they are the same thing, just different colors maybe. She said come with me to see the pictures of them so you can pick out which one you want. I thought this was really weird, but went with her. She led me to the back of the toy store where the children's furniture is which I thought was really strange. She showed me a poster with pictures of toddler CAR BEDS. Beds that were shaped like race cars.

Now I am laughing my head off from the slight communication error. I call the NICU and tell them the story, knowing that if I can't find two of these little beds today, my sons are not coming home for a few more days. I call my dear, dear friend, Jennifer, and put her on the hunt. This sweet friend calls all the home health stores in town and works overtime trying to find one (two) for us. She calls seven stores and no one has one. She is just about to call me in defeat when Britkare calls her back and informs her they have two in stock. She thanks them for calling her back, places them on hold, and calls me right away. I race over to the store and pay for them and then rush them up to the NICU so the boys can begin their car bed challenge. Which Brock passed by the skin of his teeth. Braden did really great on it. By the time I got back to the NICU, the story about the car beds at Toys R Us is already a cherished classic by everyone in the unit. I think someday when the boys are big enough we will have to go back to Toys R Us and purchase two car beds just to complete this story.

The Boys Are Home!

2009-01-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

Our rooming in went so well last night that they kicked us out after the 8 am feeding today. We got home around 10 and have been busy ever since. We were not able to get anything really organized before they came home so we have been hopping. Laundry, trips to the attic, diaper changes, attention for big sister, assembling Pack n Plays, and all of these squeezed in between feedings that last an hour every three hours. So we feed for an hour, have two hours to get things done, and then we start all over again. I appreciated the NICU when they were in it, truly I did, but I just didn't fully grasp the grueling schedule until today. Hopefully, I will be able to fall asleep quickly in the two hours between feedings and not wear out completely. Tony is still on call until Monday at 7 am. A call weekend has never seemed longer.

Grandpa (Tony's dad) has been here since yesterday and he has been completely wonderful. Sydney simply adores him because he plays with her and gives her the attention she is so desperately craving right now. I couldn't ask for a better friend for her right now. They are on their way to Chick-fil-a right now for dinner and the playground. Tony's mom is coming some time tomorrow and she is absolutely fabulous when it comes to babies. She is the baby whisperer, I think. It will be so nice having her here during this first week home while we are still trying to establish a well-oiled schedule at the house. The schedule the NICU set is in place and we are sticking to it like glue so far, but having her here will enable us to succeed at it.

Thank you, everyone, for all of your prayers and thoughts for our family the last months. They helped us keep them in the womb as long as possible in order to keep our stay in the NICU shorter and it kept them from any serious complications. We ask for continued prayers of strength, patience, and endurance. Especially endurance. We love each of you dearly and thank God for you in our prayers.

Rooming In!

2009-01-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

I got a call from the nurse at 7:55 this morning telling me she had just received an order for us to room in with the boys tonight! If they (we) do well tonight, they will come home tomorrow!!! This is the big night we have been working so hard to get to for the last two and a half weeks. They are finally ready. I only hope we are!

They repeated the car seat test again today, and they failed. Again. They did better, but their O2 sats still dropped to an unacceptable level. Luckily Babies R US has two car beds in their limited inventory and I am on my way to pick them up so the boys won't have to wait at the hospital for another week when the hospital gets some more. Apparently failing the car seat test is not very common and they do not keep them in stock at the hospital. Thank goodness Babies R Us has some! And to think, we have only had a Babies R Us for about a year, before that we were just out of luck.

Of course, Tony is on call this weekend so I will probably be doing some of the rooming in tasks solo tonight. But, this is as close to our real life as it gets so why not start out with him on call right from the get go. That's how it will be at least some of the time. Say some prayers of thanksgiving for us and some of endurance as we take this last step before the real journey begins. At last.

Let's Try That Again Please

2009-01-21T05:33:00.000-08:00

Well, the car seat test did not go according to plan. Both boys failed-and fast. They are going to repeat it again with both of them today and see if they do any better. I am just not sure they are ready for this challenge. And I do not want to take them home if I can't put them in a car seat and not worry about them. We will have to get what is called a "car bed" for each of them from the home health store and I am just not comfortable with that. I am not even sure what that would look like. Maybe they will do better today.

Baby Steps

2009-01-19T13:38:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I got to try nursing the boys. And both of them took to it like a duck to the water. They both nursed for fifteen minutes and then pulled off and fell into a deep, deep sleep. They loved it! Hopefully I will be able to figure out how to feed them both together just as easily and then we will decide if I want to nurse them or keep bottle feeding. I am still undecided. I would really prefer to bottle feed formula, but if this is really better for them (and not just from a breast milk vs. formula viewpoint) then I will certainly consider it. For today, I am just glad they both nursed as well as they did.

Their nurse asked me to bring up their car seats today for the car seat challenge. This is where each of them has to sit in the car seat with all of their leads on and not have any drops in their O2 sats, breathing, or heart rate for two hours. I think they will both do this without any problem, but it is one more thing they must complete on their NICU checklist before we can take them home.

Once they have completed all of these tasks and not taken any of their feedings through the tube for 48 hours, then we will "room in" with them. Tony and I will both sleep in a hospital room right across from NICU and take care of the boys all night while they are still hooked up to their monitors. The nurses will come in and check on us and help us with whatever we need. I think it is really just a safety check to make sure we are ready to care for premies at home. I also have to complete a CPR course that the nurses will give me. Tony gets a pass on this part of the test. Once we have completed this "rooming in," we get to bring them home!

Milestone

2009-01-18T15:53:00.000-08:00

The boys reached a significant milestone in the NICU today: they are now in open crib. For those of you familiar with NICU procedures you know how big this is, for those of you who don't, this is one step closer to coming home. They have been bottle feeding most of their feedings for the last three days and their caregivers feel they are ready for the next challenge which is maintaining their own body temperature. They have been in individual isolettes thus far and today they ordered a big crib for them to share together. So not only have they reached the next challenge, they will be in the same bed! I am so excited that they will finally be together! Once they are sleeping next to each other I think they will do so much better. Tony went up at the five o clock feeding and helped transition them to their new "big boy bed," and I went up at eight to see them in it for myself. I also took some pictures and video which I hope to post on here as soon as Tony uploads them to the computer. I still don't do that. I don't really have much interest in learning how either since Tony is so very capable and efficient at it. I pump milk-he does gadgety things. We each have our duties.

On our list of NICU challenges:

Bottle feeding- check

Open crib-check

Maintaining temp- so far check

Next up-

Car seat challenge!

Nursing!

Rooming in with Mom and Dad

More on all of these future challenges soon!

For more pictures of the boys please check out this website:

http://gallery.me.com/tonyfillmore#100056

Getting Stronger

2009-01-14T15:57:00.000-08:00

The boys are getting stronger every day and we thank each of you for your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. Brock is taking full feedings a couple of times each day and attempting his feedings most of the time and only occasionally gets the whole feeding through his feeding tube (in his nose). The times they don't attempt to bottle feed him are when he has taken an entire feeding the time before and he is just tired out. At the 2:00 feeding today, I got to the NICU at 1:30 and Brock had worked himself into a fit. He was trying to turn over in his isolette and could just about do it, but not quite. He got so mad, his heart rate was over 190 (normal is around 140 or so). I reached into his bed and helped him turn over completely and gave him his pacifier. He was so happy! His heart rate went back to normal and he stayed awake the entire time I was there from sometime before 1:30 until 2:45. I have never seen him stay awake that long and he took his entire feeding (44 cc) from a bottle.

Braden woke up for about 35 minutes while I was there and took 24 of his 39 cc. He is no longer receiving breathing treatments and both of them are off of the phototherapy light for treating jaundice. Braden is still a little more tired than Brock, but I think he is catching up every day. I got to give both of them a bath yesterday and they loved it. Braden was in hog heaven until the nurse had to scrub his head with adhesive remover to get all the tape gunk from his IV out of his hair. That made him quite mad. Brock wasn't nearly as "gunked" and enjoyed it the entire time. I loved getting to see them without all the wires and leads all over their little bodies. I have two beautiful sons with the softest skin I have ever felt.

Together Again

2009-01-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

My doc released me from the hospital yesterday and I went home without my babies. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Both boys are in NICU and will probably be there for a couple of weeks. Tony thinks less, I think more, so I will just say somewhere in the middle. Brock and Braden are in about the same place with regard to everything. Weight, temp, jaundice, energy and strength. Brock is doing better at feeding than Braden is and is taking 40 cc every feeding to Braden's taking 15 cc. Braden wasn't tolerating food very well yesterday so they were giving him his fluids via IV. Today, they have added food back in small increments. He seems to be doing well with it.

My dream came true today and many prayers were answered: I got to hold both of them together. There are no words in the English language to describe how this felt. It is just not possible to articulate this, so I won't even try. It was the first time they have touched each other since they were born and they were visibly calmed. It was such an incredible gift that I will never forget for as long as I live. Please thank God for this wonderful blessing.

The Babies Are Here!

2009-01-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

Brock Andrew and Braden Michael could not decide which one them would come out first, so they agreed to be born in the same minute. The brothers made their debut on Tuesday night, January 6, 2009 at 9:11. Brock weighed in at 5 lbs 1 oz and Braden weighed in at 4 lbs 12 oz. Their pediatrician was able to be in the OR for their delivery and he sent them both to the regular nursery based on their high scores on the APGAR. Braden did remarkably well in the nursery and has been there since, but Brock was having some trouble breathing and went to the NICU at around 1 am. He has been there since. Brock had a chest xray and had what is called a "wet" xray, which tells us he had some amniotic fluid in his lungs. They started him on IV antibiotics (NICU protocol) which will last at least 48 hours. We find out this morning if he is ready to stop taking this medication. He is in an isolette and breathing room air which is very good news. He is not feeding as well as they would like and will probably have his feeding tube placed back in sometime this morning so he can get the fluids and calories he needs. He will be in NICU until he can eat 30 cc (1 oz) in 30 minutes for eight consecutive feedings (one entire day) and has been in an open crib for 24 hours while maintaining a consistent 98 degrees. He will probably be in NICU for a little while. No one will say how long, but I think at least a week or two.

Braden is doing extremely well in newborn nursery. He is taking almost full feedings (25cc or more of his 30 cc) every three hours. He is keeping most of it down, too. We do have to be very aggressive while feeding him because he did not develop the sucking skill in utero. Now that I have learned how to feed a premie, his feedings with me are going much better. He was under the warmer most of Wednesday to keep his temp regular, but his doc had him in open crib yesterday to see if he could maintain 98 degrees and I am very happy to report that he did not go back under the warmer one time. He is doing very, very well.

I am doing as good as can be expected after major surgery, two babies, and the NICU. My doc is letting me stay until tomorrow since the boys are still here, but I could go today if I wanted to. We ask for your prayers for both our boys to come home just as soon as they are ready to leave the hospital. It has been very hard to not see them together yet. I know they are right where they both need to be and that is where I want them to stay until they are ready. It makes me sad to think they don't know where their brother is. This must all be very strange for them. God is watching over them and He will keep them safe and comforted when I can't.

Weekly Update

2009-01-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

The doc said we haven't changed much since Saturday and to still take it easy. At this point, he doesn't want to give me any more meds to stop contractions because the toll it takes on my body is more detrimental to the boys than just letting them be born. If my contractions are five minutes apart again, it's go time. I'll let you know!

Another Trip to L & D

2009-01-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

We got sent back to L & D last night. Luckily they were able to stop my contractions with some turbutilene (sp?) and they sent us back home. Sweet Tony said, "Well, if it takes us coming up here once a week for the next two weeks to keep them in a little longer, then that's what we'll do." And as usual, he is so right. We were only up there for about two hours and our babysitter was able to come as soon as we called her, so it was not all that much trouble. For every one day they stay in the womb, they stay out of NICU for three to four days!!! When you look at those numbers, a little inconvenience and turbutilene is nothing. I am back to full bedrest once again and I go back to my doc tomorrow morning for my weekly check. I shall update all of you tomorrow morning after the appt.

The End is Nigh

2009-01-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

Tuesday's sonogram and appointment went well. We learned the boys each weigh almost four pounds and look good. I have started dilating and really have to take it easy. Like I haven't been doing that for a month and a half already! Tuesday afternoon, my contractions got to five minutes apart and my doc sent me to L and D for evaluation. They determined I was not in "active labor," gave me some medicine and sent me home. Thank goodness. I was placed on full bedrest for the next three days and told to obey it completely. And so, I have not done anything since Tuesday, including blogging about our trip to L and D because the laptop was upstairs and I am not allowed to go get it. Tony has been on call this week so we have not had him around much. Sydney and I both had a horrible day on Wednesday-it's best not to even discuss it. Yesterday and today have been much better. She is watching way too much tv, but if the alternative is having two babies in the NICU for an extra couple of weeks, I will let her watch as much tv as is required to keep her happy. Her best friends are either out of town or sick so she can't play with them. There is hope just around the corner though-school starts Monday! She will start at her new Monday Wednesday school next week and she is very excited. She will still be at her Tuesday Thursday school so she will have activities Mon- Thurs from now on. Praise the Lord! She and I are both just super excited.

We will officially reach the 34 week mark this weekend and I am so relieved. My doc said when we started this journey if I made it to week 34, he wouldn't stop me if I went into labor. So the boys will really be here any day now. I still have contractions all the time and they are increasing in intensity. I will try and let all of you know when the show starts if at all possible.

The Year of the Roller Coaster

2008-12-24T07:35:00.000-08:00

I have had a chance this week to reflect on the events of the past year.

My year started off in a very dark place because I did not truly allow myself to grieve the loss of our child the previous year. It was extremely difficult to extricate myself from the hole I was in and God knew I was in trouble. He sent some friends my way to help get me out and set me back on the right track. It took a few months of hard work, but I finally allowed myself to be angry about our loss and grieve it. Giving myself permission to be angry is what finally unlocked the healing, I think. I pray none of you have ever had to experience this, and I pray you never will. It is something you can never really forget or recover from, but you can learn to accept it and find a place for it in your heart so that you can continue on. Even as I write this, I can't stop the tears from falling.

And from the recovery period of this experience, I learned just how deep the desire in my heart is for the child I have seen in my dreams for the last fifteen years. The daughter that will join our family through adoption. Tony and I have discussed adopting since we were dating and we always knew it was quite possibly part of God's plan for our family. I have felt the pull growing stronger and stronger for the last couple of years, but I was afraid he didn't feel the same way so I didn't say anything. In February, God helped me conquer my fear and tell him just how strongly I felt about looking into it right now. He answered me with the sweetest words he could have ever said to me at that moment, "The Spirit has been working on my heart, too." I don't think I had ever loved that man more than at that exact moment. We prayed about it for a few weeks and then started doing some research. A LOT of research. We explored domestic and international. We researched about twenty countries, and about ten of those in depth. We went to a seminar, watched adoption videos, read books, talked to people. And we finally found an agency called Adoption Ark that was piloting a program for a country called Kyrgyzstan. We learned all we could about this agency, this country, the need for adoptive parents. We received the requirements from our caseworker and plunged into this new world headfirst. We jumped through hoop after hoop. And then, when the requirements changed, we jumped through those, too. We were told the "paperwork pregnancy" would take between six and nine months- we finished it all in less than four. We were only waiting on one last piece of paper before we could mail everything off.

It came the very same day we found out we were pregnant.

We prayed about this new development together and asked for God's guidance. We both received the same answer. He was calling us to have two more children right now. We would proceed with the adoption and be pregnant. How amazing is our God?! We felt completely humbled and blessed that He would give us the gift of not one, but two children at the same time. Little did we know His true plan. A few weeks after we found out we were pregnant, on July 2nd, we went for a sonogram to find out how far along we were because we didn't know. The sonographer made a discovery that would forever change our lives: I see two heartbeats.

In my life I have never experienced such an overwhelming, all-encompassing joy and such an overwhelming, all-encompassing sense of loss at the same time. I knew at that moment, we had just lost our daughter in Kyrgyzstan. We felt the Lord leading us to add two more children to our family right now, but not three more. I felt this loss just as strongly as I felt the loss of our last child. I fell into another pit grieving her for about five weeks. Because I had just been in this same pit not even six months before, I knew I didn't want to stay in it for long. God helped me get out of it this time with the tools I had gained from the last time. I still long for this daughter and I always will. Last night, we were packing up some of Sydney's outgrown clothes and unused items and we came across the special blanket we purchased for this daughter. The longing in my heart is still strong, and we pray about this child still. If it is in His plan for our family, one day we will bring her home. I only ask for comfort and patience for my heart until that day comes.

This past year has been quite the roller coaster of emotions for our family. Great highs and great lows. But one thing has been constant throughout this journey- the presence of God. Looking back, there is not one moment I cannot see His hand or feel His presence, not one. He is a constant comfort and ever present source of help in times of trouble. He is always there to offer me hope, especially in my darkest hour. How blessed am I? How blessed are we all? To have such a loving Father as He. All praise and glory be His.

Status Report

2008-12-19T20:57:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to report- which is good news, I guess. Everything is going very well right now. Still having contractions, but no dilation as of yet. My doc still wants me coming every two weeks which puts my next appointment/sonogram on Dec. 30. He is considering me further along than the due date suggests-based on the boys' size in the sonograms. According to him we are 32 1/2 weeks, instead of not quite 32 weeks. Not a big difference, but every little bit counts!

Big sister Sydney is super excited about her brothers, but right now the impending arrival of Santa Claus is overshadowing pretty much everything else. The only thing she tells people she wants (when they ask her, of course) is a swim doll. I am not too excited about this particular desire. I have read the reviews online about the toy (as all consumers should) and it has about a 50/50 track record. Half the dolls work and half do not. But since this is her only real request, I guess we have to get it. Luckily it only costs about $25 and is not overly expensive. I really just don't want to carry it to the pool or figure out how to dry it out and store it between baths. She and I have been practicing for her preschool musical for about a month and a half now. And she has got her lines and lyrics down pat. I cannot even tell you how much I was looking forward to her musical debut this year (especially with all the not doing anything). On the night of her big production (it lasted 10 minutes), she was so excited. We sang in the bath before the program and in the car on the way there. We got there and she was fairly jumping up and down. We went to take our seats and wait for it to start. When she walked in and saw us, she smiled real big and waved her arms. Then she saw everyone else and froze. Then the lip came out. The show started and instead of singing and dancing her heart out (as she did at home) she wouldn't smile, wouldn't sing, wouldn't say her lines, wouldn't dance, and all she would do is stare at everyone with her lip out. During the last song we thought she was finally going to start crying, but instead she said very loudly (people 6 rows behind us heard her), "Daddy, I have to go potty." Three times. Everyone around us started snickering. And so her musical debut did not go according to plan. Since then, she has asked every day if it is time to go to her program. I think she may have blocked it out.

30 weeks and counting...

2008-12-08T17:34:00.000-08:00

As you will probably guess from the content of this blog, I am getting a little bored. Four weeks down and at least four more to go, the bedrest is starting to get to me. I have completed almost all of the little "projects" I can do from the couch and I need some new ones. Online Christmas shopping-check. Christmas cards-check. Online nursery shopping-check. Thank you cards-check. Obsessive list making-check. Hired people to complete nursery-check. That was a hard one to do because I really wanted to do it myself. But seeing as how it is upstairs and I am supposed to stay downstairs and rest, that was not going to happen. I haven't even seen it yet! Granted, it is still a work in progress, but it is hard to keep from going up every hour to check on the progress. I think it may be good for me to let other people "do" for me instead of trying to control everything like I usually do. The only thing I need to control right now is protecting our sons. And so far, I am doing a pretty good job. We have only been sent to L and D once for a shot to stop contractions and hopefully that is the only visit we will make until after 34 weeks.
My blog friend, Lori, had this list posted on her blog and I thought, why not. I am not sure what title to give it other than 99 things I may or may not have done. If you find it interesting, copy it and post it on yours making the necessary changes for yourself.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch-sewing
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem-on the top of my list
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Week Two

2008-11-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

Well, modified bedrest is proving easier to do than I thought. The only difficulty I am having is not being able to bake. I love watching cooking shows and then trying out some of the things I see and not being able to do it this year has been a little hard. My family starts getting here today for Thanksgiving and I want to be in the kitchen baking sweet treats more than anything. But I know what I am doing is way more important this year. I just love making dough for homemade rolls and filling the air with that sweet, yeasty aroma. Ahh, that's life (I tried to type that in French, but I have no idea how to spell it.) As for the boys, they are getting bigger every day and I am able to actually feel their feet and hands with my fingers right now when they are moving. It is really neat and really strange at the same time considering there are eight of them (hands and feet that is, not babies!)

Sydney is doing great with Mommy not being able to do very much. She and Tony are having a great time together. He was able to take her on all the errands on Saturday, which she really loved. And after her nap, Tony took her to see her very first movie. Her best friend, Ardyn, and her daddy (Tony's best friend), came with them and they had a father-daughter double date. What a special treat that was for all of them! When they were leaving for church on Sunday morning, I heard her say to Tony as they were walking out the door, "We will miss Mommy." So she is understanding that I just can't do very much right now and she is okay with it. Having family here this week will be really great for her since all our family lives at least four hours away.

Odds and Ends

2008-11-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

Sydney had her big birthday party this weekend at the local bounce house place. She had a fantastic time. Most of my family and Tony's family were able to come to Amarillo for the party which was really wonderful for all of us. The theme she picked for her party was "The Backyardigans," which is a cartoon on Nick Jr. for those of you who don't know. The pictures are all still on the camera I think, so I will try to download some at a later date. We also just got this super cool new camcorder that is about the size of a small digital camera and is super easy to use. I will try to put some of the video on if I can figure it out. If you're looking for a great gift to give for Christmas, I would highly recommend this little camera.

We also purchased a new vehicle for our growing family this weekend: on Ebay. And the whole transaction just went great! We didn't get a great "deal," but we also didn't get ripped off by a dealer. We paid what Edmunds said it should be worth. Tony had to fly to Memphis, TN on Sunday to pick it up and drive it home. It was as described and completing the paperwork went great. So if you ever wondered what kind of person would buy a car on Ebay, we would!

At my doctor's appt. yesterday I got my movements restricted. I am officially on "modified bedrest." This means for the next seven weeks I am only supposed to do things that are necessary- and apparently my weekly trips to Walmart are not "necessary." I can take Sydney to school, but I can't run my usual errands after I drop her off. I can take care of simple household tasks, but no laundry and no cooking. I don't have to be in my bed 24/7, but I do have to lay down as much as possible. This was prompted by some pretty serious contraction action I have been experiencing since 3:30 in the morning on Thursday. Tony put me on restricted duty on Thursday until I saw my doctor yesterday and we heard what he had to say. And I must say, it really has helped. I feel better, not as many contractions, and definitely less stressed and more relaxed. So today I made a lot of lists. And a list for my lists. If I can't do it myself, I will make lists so I can try to be sure someone else knows what needs to be done. I think I am on my eighth list at the moment. I am sure there are more to follow. Hopefully this "modified bedrest" will do the trick and I will not need to be placed on full bedrest or the next step which is hospital bedrest. We only have seven very short weeks to go before 34 weeks which is when my doctor will be okay with the boys making their debut.

Good News

2008-11-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

Sydney did about as well as can be expected during her tests today. I think it was pretty rough on Daddy though. The radiologist was very pleased with her results and tells us she does not have any of the major mechanical problems we were looking for which means she will not need surgery. She does have a small amount of reflux when she voids her bladder that comes out and then goes back in and pools in her bladder. We think this is where she is picking up the bacteria that is causing the UTIs. We don't have a plan of action as yet because we don't see her urologist until the 11th. We are very happy with these results and please join with us in praising our Father for Sydney's continued good health. We thank you for all the prayers you have sent Him on our behalf.

Still Boys

2008-11-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

I had another sonogram today and they are both still boys. They are growing like they should be and look great! Baby B is measuring about 26 weeks 2 days and Baby A is measuring 24 weeks 5 days. They weigh 1 lb 12 oz and 1 lb 6 oz. My doc said if they can stay in there for at least two more weeks they have a 90% chance of being born without any health problems. We hope they will decide to stay at least another nine weeks. Thank the Father for us.

Sydney has had a string of recurring UTIs for the last four months and as a result, she has to have a renal sonogram and a big test at the hospital tomorrow called a VCUG. This is a lovely test where they catheter her and inject radioactive dye into her bladder and watch what is does on some type of X-ray. Now since it is an x-ray, I am not allowed to be in the room with her; her daddy gets that privilege. Please pray for her and us as this test will not be easy on any of us. If the test shows what we think it will show, she will probably have to be scheduled for surgery to correct the problem. My niece had the same problem when she was a baby, but hers corrected itself. We do not think Sydney's will if that is what she has. I'll keep you all posted on what happens with her tomorrow.

Go Cats!

2008-10-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

We went to Abilene this weekend for ACU's homecoming. We all had a great time and Sydney had a blast! She went to a carnival, parade, played with her friends from Austin, and got to go to the zoo! We also took some pictures while we were there for our Christmas card. She was not too cooperative during the morning session, so we had to go back after nap to try again. Luckily those pictures went much better and our Christmas card has been ordered! I have posted some of the more candid pictures from the shoot for you to enjoy.

Here she is posing in her new ACU cheerleader uniform. We passed by a cheerleader on our way to the car and Sydney yelled out, "GO CATS!" She was so excited!

Here she is showing you what she does about 15 times a day, hugging her brothers.

This is a fun action shot of her in the new dress I made for her birthday.

Smelling a rose.

Posing with the cute statues.

On the steps in the science building.

And here are some pictures from the Abilene Zoo. For those of you who don't know, this is one of the absolute best zoos for kids. They actually let you feed the animals with this special animal food they give you at the gate. Sydney loved it! Especially feeding the giraffes on the bridge that goes over their enclosure because you can place the food right onto their outstretched tongues.

Cali-forn-i-a

2008-10-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Last week we packed up the family and headed to sunny California. San Francisco to be exact. Tony had a conference and we all decided to go and have some fun for a few days before it is too late for me to travel. Sydney and I stayed fairly close to the hotel in Union Square and went shopping, to the playground, the carousel and fun restaurants. The conference provided childcare so we were able to leave Sydney there some and go to some fantastic restaurants at night and take a little side trip to Muir Woods and the wine country. We had a great time just the two of us and enjoyed a quiet day together filled with seeing God's beautiful world. The next day all three of us headed to Fisherman's Wharf and the recently opened Academy of Sciences for some family fun. Sydney says she really enjoyed seeing the penguins and touching the sea-stars in the aquarium. We went back to the carousel and the playground before enjoying a fun dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Daddy and Sydney demolished a slice of Dulce de Leche cheesecake with whipped cream. Mommy and the boys were too full! All in all we had a great time on our last family of three vacation.

First Question

2008-10-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

Having had a day to ponder the wonderful news of our healthy baby boys, I find myself with more questions than answers. What do I do with boys? I was not blessed with a brother, so I am sorely lacking in the boy knowledge department. Sure, I have a husband, but he is a man. I missed the whole "boy" time. It may feel like he is a boy at times (i.e. picking up after him, cleaning, etc.) but he is definitely a grown man. I have an almost three year old little girl. She wears tutus and hair-bows and tights. She plays with dolls and Dora and dishes. She would have no idea what to do with trucks or trains or pirates. We go to gymnastics and dance, not football and baseball. Therefore, I do not know what to do with a boy, much less two of them. I feel it will not be terribly different for the first year or two, but after that I fear I will be at a loss. I don't want to encourage them to be rough and tumble, but neither do I want them to be girly boys. I don't want them to play with guns and Power Rangers, but is it unavoidable? How far does nature versus nurture go? I know I don't have to have all the answers today, or even in the next year, but the questions are certainly already here. If any of you have any thoughts or advice, please feel free to share them with me. Any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Many more questions to come in the future.

Two Very Healthy Baby...

2008-10-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

We got up extra early this morning and went for our sonogram. It was a little tough to tell at first because they were being a little shy, so we had to wait until they were ready to cooperate. The sonographer checked them both from head to toe while we waited patiently for them to move into viewing position. Everything looked absolutely perfect. All of their measurements were exactly what they should have been for 21 weeks. Their brains and hearts looked great, kidneys and stomaches functioning as they should be. And then the sonographer said, "We have a tallywacker!" And then a few minutes later she said, "We have another tallywacker!" It is 100% positive that we are having two baby boys. Tony is shocked. I am simply thrilled that they are both so healthy. And Sydney. Well, Sydney is voicing her disapproval. Her initial reaction to the news of her brothers was, "NO! I want sisters!!!" Followed by some crying. We, of course, had the video camera on hand to record her reaction for posterity. I am sure someday we will all have a big laugh over it. We respectfully request your prayers as we think about and learn what it will mean to be the parents of two little boys. We know it will not be the same as having another daughter and appreciate your advice and prayers as we prepare for their arrival in our family. And if anyone has any ideas for bringing Sydney around, bring em on. Love to all and many thanks for your continued prayers.

Brothers

Baby A's First Photo

Baby B's First Photo

Nice Calm Week

2008-10-03T20:03:00.000-07:00

Everything has been pretty laid back around the Fillmore house for the last week which was very welcome after last week's events. Sydney is all healed and will most likely not even have a scar to show when she tells her story thanks to the expertise of our plastic surgeon friend. She does have two scabs on her knees from a sweet wipeout in the park on Tuesday, but I will take a couple of bloody knees any day over a trip to the ER for a date with a plastic surgeon and his scary looking torture devices.

Sydney is convinced that "her babies" are both girls and is already purchasing gifts for them most recently in the form of identical pink elephants. I am open for suggestions on what to do with these gifts if we find out the babies are boys. Speaking of... the big day is only two days away!!! So please be sure to tune in sometime on Monday for the BIG announcement and hopefully some pictures if I can figure out the scanner to computer stuff.

I am finally well and truly showing now and I seem to get bigger each day instead of each week with Sydney, so who knows just how big I will end up before they are born. I will try to upload some pix in the near future. I just really am not sure how to do it. If they are on the computer already, I might be able to figure out where they are and how to get them on the blog, but if I have to download (or is it upload?) them from the camera... forget it. Probably not going to happen.

The Day After

2008-09-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sydney stayed home from school yesterday and I will probably want to keep her home at least one more day just to keep an eye on her. I know I can't protect her every second, but I sure want to try. The doorbell rang after her nap yesterday and we both went to see who it was. I had completely forgotten we had ordered a dollhouse for her birthday (in November) and sure enough it was the UPS guy delivering her dollhouse. She shrieked with delight and ran around in circles saying, "My dollhouse is here! My dollhouse is here!" Now how could I deny this poor innocent little child who mere hours before had received seven stitches such a small thing that brought her such obvious pleasure? What kind of mom would I be if I didn't immediately open the box and present her with the dollhouse? Even if it was still almost two months until her birthday. SO... she has now been playing with said dollhouse nonstop except for eating and sleeping and it is so much fun to watch her singing to her dolls and walking them up the stairs. This particular dollhouse came with twin babies (which is why it was the obvious choice for her) much to her delight. She is so enamored with babies right now and everywhere we go when she sees a baby, she asks if she can go see the baby. Most of the time I tell her yes and so off she goes. She touches the baby's feet (the only place we allow her to touch) and very quickly proceeds to inform the mother that she is having two babies. Which I think in her mind makes her special and different from everyone else. We were at the library the other day picking out books and I tried to get her to pick a book about a mom that is having a baby. She flipped through a couple of pages, but was quick to inform me that this mommy was only having one baby and she was having two. She put it back on the shelf. Do any of you ever wonder when our children got so smart?

Most Accidents Happen at Home

2008-09-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Funny how a quiet night at home can turn so quickly. We cooked a nice dinner of beef stroganoff with ground turkey for a change of pace. After we cleaned up, Sydney suggested we go for a walk to look for flowers. We told her that was a great idea so off we went. We found flowers of every color along the way, climbed "hills" of dirt in an empty lot, and walked the "balance beam" around a statue. Any number of places where she could have potentially injured herself. But she didn't.

We got back home and Sydney and I went upstairs for our bedtime routine. Get in jammies, pick out books, brush teeth, hop in bed, and turn on her night time music. All was going well and we had just finished brushing her teeth when it happened: the nightmare at our house. She was stepping off of her wooden stool that was beautifully hand-painted by someone at our church and somehow it toppled over and upside down. She landed with her face/mouth on one of the four legs. I was right there and watched it happen in slow motion helpless to do anything to stop it. I quickly scooped her up knowing it was going to be bad just no idea how bad. The cries that came out of her were cries such as I have never heard before nor do I ever want to hear them again. I was yelling for Tony to "get up here" as fast as I could because there was blood everywhere and it just kept coming. He came thundering up the stairs and took her from me to assess the situation as only daddies can do sometimes and this was definitely one of those times. He took one look at her and said she needs stitches right now. And something else I was not expecting: she needs a plastic surgeon. The wound was such that not just anyone could stitch it up. It was looked on the upper left part of her face known as the vermilion border which is the area where the lip skin meets the facial skin. He explained to me that if it was not done properly she would be permanently disfigured around her mouth because the two skin types would not heal properly. At this point the five month pregnant lady is just barely holding it together and I run to look up plastic surgeons, clearly forgetting for the moment that Tony is a surgeon with way better connections than I have. He thrusts Sydney into my arms and runs downstairs for his phone. Five minutes later he has a plastic surgeon (AKA the hero) on his way to the ER to meet us and he has arranged for a room to be made ready for our imminent arrival there. I get Sydney in the car with her DVD player and Tony brings an ice pack to place under the only washcloth I could find in Sydney's room: a white one. She is doing pretty good for now and Tony takes her into the ER while I park the car. I am unsure where they are as I enter the building until I hear my baby screaming at the top of her lungs. No one is even touching her, she is simply scared beyond endurance. The surgeon arrives, the "muscle" wraps her up like a baby burrito and the real fun begins. It takes all three of us to hold her still so the doc can numb up the wound; she is strong. It takes three stitches to close the wound and we had to fight her for each one; she is strong. We gratefully thank him and we take our little baby home to bed. As I am tucking her in and Tony is getting her some Motrin, I notice she isn't closing her mouth. I asked her why and she said it tickles. I look closer and sure enough one of the stitches is really too long and I ask Tony if he can cut it shorter. Upon his inspection, he realizes it is not just too long, it has come out!!! He calls the plastic surgeon again and explains what happened and we leave to meet him again, luckily at his office this time instead of the ER. This time there are just two of us to hold her down where before there were three. Did I mention that she is strong? This time it takes four more stitches for a grand total of seven altogether (two had actually come out.)

The moral of the story is: brushing your teeth can be hazardous to your health.

I Have Been Remiss!

2008-09-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

If you are still reading this blog, thank you. I have not posted in a long time and I vow to post more frequently again. Here are my excuses: throwing up too much, was in a wedding (my pre-pregnancy dress still fit!!), went on a cruise in Alaska, loads of laundry and cleaning after being gone two weeks, preschool started- lots of errands, and general laziness.

I have read all of your blogs so I am up to date on all of y'alls' goings ons. Thank you to those of you who do post regularly.

As you can see from the gestation "webcam" we are 18 weeks along. I have finally gotten over the morning sickness and have not thrown up since August 20th HALLELUJAH!!!! Well, I did throw up twice in Alaska, but there were extenuating circumstances: one- we were in a sea plane and it was not a beautiful picturesque day for flying and I made good use of the little white bag they so thoughtfully provided and two- we were on a bus in Victoria BC and it the gears kept sticking, lots of jerking, etc., etc. and unfortunately they did not provide little white bags. Other than that, I am in the clear!!! Now the little thing I like to call dragon breath has started and with a vengeance. If I remember correctly with Sydney, the heartburn did not go away until after she was born so I think I am in this for the long haul. Oh well, I will take heartburn over constant vomiting any day.

Mark this date on your calendars- October 6th. We will have our sonogram!!! I cannot wait to see my little babies and how they are doing! What do they look like? And are they boys or girls or both?!!!! This is sure to be a banner day for our family so be sure to tune in. If I can figure out the scanner/computer thingie I will try to post some pix of them for y'all. As far as pix of me go, I really am not that big yet, I have just now gained a pound. Trust me, I had plenty of extra weight before the babies came along. I will post some pix when I get a little bigger.

Shopping List

2008-08-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

I am currently putting together a list of items I want to purchase to make my life with the twins easier. If anyone who reads this knows of some suggestions, please let me know. I know a lot of you know people with multiples and I want to know all about the latest and greatest inventions and creations to make my life with twins easier (read: so I can try to stop freaking out about having two babies at once!) On a positive note, I have started marathon watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 and it is really helping me to believe, "If they can do it, I can do it." If you have never seen this show, you have got to watch it. I am thinking about emailing Kate for suggestions. She'll probably laugh when I tell her I am only having two!

Housing Update

2008-08-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I updated everyone on the housing situation. We are still hopeful that someone will buy our house and extremely grateful that someone did buy the one we were building. I don't even want to think about how stressed out I would be right now if we were still looking at owning two houses. God definitely answered that prayer for us. We are currently waiting on our builder to bid the addition with his subcontractors. Hopefully we will know the final numbers on that in the next three weeks so we can start the addition soon. If someone offers on the house in the meantime, we'll probably sell it. Once we start the addition, we will take the house off the market until it is completed and then re-list it as a new property. We are definitely at peace with staying here and adding on or with selling and renting while we build what we want. I am not sure our house will sell in this market though. Maybe after the election...

Two Hearts

2008-08-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

The first time you hear your child's heartbeat is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. And being blessed to hear two heartbeats at the same time... I cannot even begin to describe how that feels. Especially after enduring a miscarriage and knowing what it feels like to lose a child that God chose to place inside you. The sound of their beating hearts is beautifully reassuring. As is hearing your doctor say that there is a better than 90% chance that everything will be fine. What an incredible gift. Thank You, Father, for the gift of two beating hearts.

Rocky Road

2008-07-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

Each day is a new adventure. Lately mine have all just seemed to center around the toilet. If I am not contemplating having to throw up, throwing up, or having just finished throwing up, I am taking Sydney there or cleaning up after her. Or telling her we just went to the toilet; and no, we don't need to go again. Why did no one tell me that once you potty train them, they become OBSESSED with the bathroom?! Any time we leave the house, she must go once we get wherever we are going, if she's bored, if the food has arrived at a restaurant, and any other time it strikes her fancy. How long does this last?!! If any of you have advice, please pass it my way.

Any advice on the battle of the nausea would also be greatly appreciated. I have tried two prescriptions from my doc so far and they don't work. I can't stand ginger anything when I am not nauseated, so I definitely can't stand it now. As you can see from the blog, I am currently 10 weeks along, so I am HOPING the magic number is 13 weeks for it to be over. Please pray that it is over soon.

In other news, my blog friend Betsy and her husband Brian, are currently in Kyrgyzstan meeting their son. This is an incredible story of faith and love and I highly encourage all of you to read their story and pray for them right now- http://7313miles.blogspot.com/ They just met him today and they will get to spend six more days with him before they have to leave him for a couple of months. Please pray for strength and trust so they can endure this very difficult time apart from their son.

On a personal note, experiencing this incredible journey through their eyes has been very bittersweet for me. Please pray that God continues to impart His peace to me about placing our adoption on hold. Bringing our daughter home from there is still one of the deepest desires of my heart. I believe that the time for this is not now, but it still hurts because I am so emotionally connected to this little girl I know is part of our family and I just don't understand why the time isn't right. I trust in the Lord with all of my heart and I know He is in control of everything. Please pray for me to find the peace I am so desperately searching for.

And So a New Chapter Begins

2008-07-12T18:12:00.001-07:00

If you are reading this, you have probably found your way from our previous blog to our new one. I enjoyed blogging so much during our foray into the adoption process, I decided to continue blogging even though our plans have changed substantially. I have enjoyed getting to know you and your families through this new world of blogging and I hope that you will continue to follow our journey even though we are not on the same path anymore. I look forward to following your families' journeys in adoption and hope to one day be traveling it again.

For those of you who are new to my world, we began adopting an unknown little girl from Kyrgyzstan in February and in June we found out we were pregnant. In July, we found out we were expecting twins. We have decided to place the adoption on hold for now in order to focus on our soon to be three year old daughter and two newborns. If you would like to read my previous blog about our adoption journey, please go to www.fillmorekyrg.blogspot.com